Thursday, January 30, 2014

"Do you want a slow dance or not"

Fourteen years. We have been together for fourteen years.  Sometimes I just can't believe it has been that long, and yet I can't seem to remember a time when I didn't know Vernon.  It's as if he's been with me my entire life.  Vernon's been working on a project going through our old emails, trying to get them organized. He found a very important one, one I really don't remember typing, yet I remember those feelings like it was yesterday.  I sent him an email after 2 1/2 months of exchanging letters, emails and what I think was one phone call where I paced up and down the living room holding note cards with things to talk about because I didn't want him to think I was a moron. I was shocked to see the date of this email, because like I said, I remember the feelings, it's everything else that's a bit of a blur.  This email defines our relationship now.  This email really expresses our connection to each other at such an early point in our friendship.  I've omitted the babbling and boring bits.

 To:  VERNON PHILLIPS
Date:  8 December 1999, 00:48
I hate this!  I really hate this!  Vernon, aren't we supposed to be JUST
pen pals?  I am having a bad week.  This is going to be unlike any email
you have ever gotten from me.  I am having a bad week.  I am lonely.  I
am very lonely.  It has been a really REALLY long time since I felt
loved, secure and happy.  Then you had to say you wanted to dance with
me, "slow".  My stomach took a jump when I read that.  No one ever said
that to me before.  Not even my husband.  I don't want to fall for you
but you are not making it easy for me.   You are too damn nice and
really funny and easy to talk to.  I don't even know what you look like
and I don't care.  I was really sad this past weekend when you didn't
call.  Really sad.  I'm crying now.  I am also getting the impression
that you are falling for me.  I hope not.  It would be impossible, just
impossible.  We are too far apart and we both have kids that really
can't leave the country.  Sometimes I find myself daydreaming and it's
of me and you and i am in your arms and we are dancing so close and so
slow... Also, if you are falling for me, guys are different than
girls, you may not like the way I look.  I'm not skinny.
 ....You are so wonderful to me Vern, I really
like you.  I guess I just have to get out and meet some friends up here
in Michigan.  Then maybe I wouldn't feel so lonely.  I love your emails,
you are so sweet.   
....I think you are very special and I
think of you all the time... all the time.  I just felt like spilling my
guts to you tonight.  I miss you and hope you write soon.
Thinking of you...
Kimberly xxoo
Now this is Vernon's response to my gut spilling email.
To: Kimberly Jimenez
Date: 9 December 1999, 20:00
Our relationship, being what it is, prevents either of us from falling
too far. I do think about you a lot, and it's clear from reading your
letter that your thoughts have echoed mine, with regards to the
impossibility of our relationship ever going beyond a certain point.
We both have our own lives, our own families, children etc. I would
love to think that we could meet one day in the not so distant future,
but I don't want you to think that I am messing with your mind. I'm
sorry that you are lonely, I know that feeling all too well. 
 ....As usual I am unable to spend the right amount
of time on this letter, and for that I apologise. You deserve a better
effort from me, but before I write again I have to ask, would you
rather I was JUST a pen pal. Your friendship is important to me, and I
don't want it to end, but I don't want to become a problem for you, so
I suppose it's a question of "Do you want a slow dance or not" :-)
Until the next time,
-Vern.
Well, you all know the answer to that question.

2 comments:

  1. Oh I just melted ..... His writing is so eloquent. Heavy sigh ... I am such a romantic

    ReplyDelete

Vernon and I are in a long distance marriage which started out as a long distance relationship for 14 years. I would love for you to leave a comment on my blog post.