I'm Moving to England!

Never again do I have to endure the extreme pain that this view causes me.  I am moving to England.  This has been something that we have  been talking about for a while and the wheels are finally set in motion.  I am amazed at how difficult and expensive this process is.

 The UK Border Agency has changed their website a few times since we started researching the Visa process and I'm really liking the brand new set up.  Much easier to navigate.  I'm not too fond of the income threshold requirement which was set in place in 2013. I was fearful that we would not meet that, but thankfully we do.  Well, I shouldn't say "we" because they don't care that I make well above the income threshold, they don't care that I am a self sufficient English speaking tax paying American, and they don't care that I have a job and an impressive résumé showing a variety of skills and experience.  They only care about Vernon's income.  We are lucky that he met the threshold so we at least know we wont be denied because of that.  The main areas they will be looking at are:  Finances, Proof of Relationship, Legal Marriage, and me not having a questionable/criminal background or a scary communicable disease.  This process is getting less intimidating the further we go because it's just paperwork isn't it? We don't have to make anything up, we don't have anything to hide, we just have to do what we love doing... telling people about our relationship.

I am a 43 year old mom and I have accumulated a lot of stuff over the years.  I have moved in with my parents and have thrown out, given away or sold most of my belongings, furniture, and household items. That was a very difficult thing for me to do.  I plan on hiring an international mover because I will be bringing along a few boxes and some select pieces of furniture that I am very attached to.  That process will be expensive also.

The MOST difficult part of this will be moving away from my daughter.  She is my world.  We have discussed it and she is not thrilled that I'm moving but she wants me to be happy and she loves Vernon like a dad.  She is attending school at Western Michigan University and her major is English, secondary education. In less than 2 years she will be a teacher somewhere on either coast of the US.  Maybe we can convince her to find a job in the UK? Ha ha, let's get me over there first.

So, not only is this the most stressful, difficult and expensive thing I have ever done in my life, I get offered a little challenge.  I was informed last week that Heidi and I will be homeless at the end of the month.  I cried for days.  Didn't eat much or sleep at all.  I hated everyone except Vernon and Heidi.  I even hated myself because I have finally failed to keep a roof over my kid's head.  In the past we've lived without enough food, months without hot water, managed to live years without a phone, TV, and internet as those items are luxury items, and have gone several days without heat in the brutal UP winters because nobody gives a shit if you are a single mother who can't afford to pay the heat bill, but she always had a roof over her head.  I had nightmares of us living in my car in the parking lot at work. What if people found out? Where would I shower? Nobody wants people in their house, they have stuff to do, family plans, no room, I don't blame them.  Asking the people that I asked was the most humiliating thing I've ever had to do, and they would have helped if they could, but it's not like I'm asking to borrow their lawn mower for the afternoon.  Also, during all of this, my dear husband landed himself in the hospital.  My life was falling apart and getting to the UK seemed impossible now and Vernon is so sick he's in the hospital.  I was afraid to tell him what was going on with me and I ended up doing the selfish thing and dumped my problems onto him.  The thing is, he's the only one I depend on, the only person I can really talk to. He should be, he's my husband. But I should have been a better wife and waited until he was better.  Now he's going to read this and scold me because he wants me to tell him everything that is going on with me, good and bad, because that is the amazing man that he is.  I just know it makes him feel helpless when he can't help me with such problems, just like I feel helpless with him being in the hospital without his wife by his side comforting him.  I will add that mum and dad have been absolutely AMAZING during this time and have taken a lot of the worry and guilt off of me for not being there. Well, Vernon seems to be better and should be getting out tomorrow and I have found a place to live.  A friend has a spare room for me and Heidi and she has already made us feel welcome and wanted; and we haven't even moved in yet.  I don't know if I will ever be able to thank her enough for this.

Another challenge that I faced this week was my boss.  I have been fearing this conversation for months.  How do I tell my boss, who has expanded my skill set, taught me new things, challenged me, and promoted me that I am moving to England?  Well, I did just that and his reaction was that he was happy for me, expecting this conversation sooner or later, and was ready with his answer.  He said I couldn't get away that easy and told me that I would be allowed to work remotely from England after I move.  How amazing is that? I'm going to get to keep my job. I love my job. Thank goodness it's in Salesforce.com and IT. Not everyone can do what I have the privilege of doing which is work from home.  That conversation was yesterday, and I think it finally kicked in today because I really haven't been able to enjoy my good news as I have been focused on Vernon and his health.  This weekend we will celebrate and I will give him all the awesome juicy details during our Google Hangout.

Well this is already ridiculously long but I have so much to say. I will keep you posted and try to document this process.  I've been getting help from a fellow blogger/friend who did the same move and has been very supportive, informative and helpful.  One day I hope to do the same for another soon to be expat.

Happy Father's Day!

I would like to say Happy Father's Day to three of the most important fathers in my life.

My English dad: "He is a very tall man". That was my first thought when I met him several years ago.

He is loved and highly respected by all in his family. He is often surrounded by his grandkids and as of April 2011 he is now a great grandad. He likes to play and have fun and I have never witnessed him grumpy or impatient.  He is a perfect example to his grandsons on how to have a good work ethic, how to treat the women in your life and simply how to be a good man. He is one of those dads who will come to your rescue if you are having car trouble or need a hand with moving and home repairs. He doesn't expect anything in return. When I am there I don't feel like a foreign visitor. I feel like part of the family, I feel loved and accepted and missed when I am gone. He is a wonderful man and I am thankful that he is a part of my life. I can see why Vernon is the man he is today.

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My Dad: He is my Superman

I don't even know where to begin. He's the guy who taught me how to play baseball and basketball and ride a bike. Most importantly he taught me that the only way to get the rebound was to "sacrifice my body!" He rescued me from my runaway tricycle as it was taking me down the hill way too fast. He picked me up after I went face first into a tree on a sledding hill. He took me trick-or-treating on the John Deere Tractor. He took me to lots of Brewer games, a Bucks game and I even got to see the Harlem Globetrotters. He taught me how to fish and how to do my taxes. He taught me how to balance a checkbook and look for a job. He coached me on interviews and helped me do my homework. He also made sure I had change when I went out so I could call home if I needed a safe ride, and I always knew I'd be much better off by calling him no matter what situation I was in.  He even didn't accuse me of lying when I wrecked the car on the way to my ACT's and I told him it was a hit and run while parked. He knew better... but never called me on it.  I have often felt like I have disappointed him because I did not follow the path he laid out for me. But then we have moments where I do feel that he is proud of me, and the woman and mother I have become. If it wasn't for the Christian upbringing and the work ethic, I don't think I would be very happy with who I have become or where I am in life.

My dad is also a wonderful grandpa. He has had to pick up a lot of slack left by Heidi's absent inattentive father. He has made sure Heidi had experiences and opportunities that I normally wouldn't have been able to give her.  Heidi and grandpa are best buddies, and that means more to me than anything he's ever done for me.
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My Sweetheart, Vernon, what a wonderful loving dad he is.

His number one priority has always been his kids. Making sure he made time for them and gave them the attention that they needed. If we were chatting, he would tell me one was needing attention and we would say goodbye. If I didn't see him online at all he was spending time with them. I love that about him.  We have had this long distance relationship because of the kids. All three of them. Although I have not been in England, I have watched his two kids grow up through pictures. He has told me of the awards and accomplishments of school, activities and sports. I hear about the friendships, girlfriends, illnesses, sad times and difficult times. I have cried with him and rejoiced with him and even given him advice on the tough stuff.  Most recently, I was able to share his joy of the birth of his granddaughter. He's going to be a super 'granddad'. Bottom line, he's a great dad, and grandpa who is dedicated, loving and loyal to the ones that depend on him so much.

He has also been a wonderful loving father figure to Heidi. As you know her dad is absent emotionally and financially and Vernon has been there to support her and encourage her and make her feel important and loved.

Vernon has dedicated his life to his kids and has made an impact on mine, showing them by example how to have a good work ethic, how to treat others and how to conduct yourself with class. He also made it very clear to them that they are loved. It's these traits that make him very attractive to me, well, it's part of the reason he's very attractive to me.

Long Distance Relationship Q&A

The site that I am a member of, www.lovingfromadistance.com, has a facebook page. Lately they have been posting a couple questions per day. I have had fun answering them so I thought I would post my answers here.

Q: What guilty pleasure do you have from being in a long distance relationship? (ldr)
A:  I don't have to shave my legs if I don't want to.

Q: Name one thing you like about where your bf lives.
A: The English. I don't know if it's a country wide trait or if it's just a trait the people in the southwest have but everyone makes me feel welcome and they are so very friendly. I'd also have to say that when I visit, it's usually in March/April so here I'm leaving behind blizzards and ice storms and arriving into beautiful weather where there are yellow daffodils EVERYWHERE. When I see yellow daffodils, I think of England.  

Q: What is the last negative thing someone said regarding your bf or your ldr?
A: Well, anyone that knows Vernon would never have anything negative to say about him. He's that kind of man. I do recall an incident where a male friend of mine insisted I was being too naive to assume that Vernon wouldn't be out having sex with other women, because that's what men do, they need sex and they cheat. When he said that to me, all I could feel was sorry for him because he'll never know what it's like to love and trust someone the way we do.

Q: What keeps you and your bf in an ldr?
A: Our kids. He has 2, I have one. We are both single parents and both decided to continue to put our children first. My daughter, and his oldest are only 2 weeks apart. As they go off to school or move out to become independent adults, Vernon and I will think more about our future together and close this long distance gap.

Q: If a novel is written about your ldr, what would the title be?
A: I'm having trouble thinking of one, but when I do I will edit this post and add it. I asked this of Vernon too to see what he would say and he wasn't very helpful either. (Thanks Honey!) :)

Q:How and when did you first tell your bf "I love you"?
A: Wow, I don't remember. Does that make me a bad girlfriend? I'm sure we had to be conversing for at least a year because long before the time that we met in person (2 years) we were in love with each other. I have also been signing letters and emails "Yours Forever" for as long as I can remember. Honey, if you remember the specific "event" please refresh my memory because I would like to know.

Valentine's day 2010. Those heart shaped boxes are full of candy, chocolate and cookies!

Q: Who is more romantic?
A: He is, just when I think I have him figured out and know what to expect, he surprises the crap outta me!



Q: If you could take a snapshot of the mood of your relationship right NOW, describe what it would be in one word.
A: At the time of this question, it was Tuesday, August 3 @ 3:40pm. SERIOUS; we were chatting about taxes, school, kids and work via IM, as noted in my last post.

Q: What was the last holiday or special occasion that you had to spend apart? How did you share that special day together?
A: It was Heidi's graduation. This was a big day not only for her but for me too. High School graduation is a major step in someones life and we both worked really hard to get here. She's been accepted to several Universities but will be attending Western Michigan University, and on a 4 year tuition scholarship. Without that scholarship, she would not be going to college. I wanted Vernon and the kids here. They needed to be here, but asking 3 people to cross 3,500 miles of ocean is not very practical. Instead, Vernon and I went in together and got Heidi a netbook computer. I took several pictures of graduation, her opening the gift and the graduation party so he wouldn't feel like he missed everything.

 

Q: How many relationships have you been in? Is your ldr longer than any of those relationships?

A: I married my first relationship. We met and were divorced within 3 years. Vernon and I met 5 years later and have been together for nearly 11 years.

Q: What was your first impression when you first met your bf?

A: After about a year  we finally exchanged pictures. I had already fallen in love and I didn't know what he looked like.When I saw his picture for the first time I began to cry. His photo was amazing, so handsome and adorable. I thought there is no way he will ever love me, I'm not pretty, especially not enough for him.

Q: What is your sign compatibility? Use http://www.cafeastrology.com/articles/signcompatiblitygrid.html

A: "CLASH" That's funny because we are opposite in so many areas, which is why I think we compliment each other so well.








Q: What do you disagree on?
A: I insist that "pants" are in fact pants, not underwear. I can't bring myself to say "trousers". That is a creepy old man word.

Q: On your first night out to eat together, do you remember what you ordered?
A: He had steak. I may have had chicken, I don't remember. I was so nervous. We were at a bar and grill in downtown Chicago.

Q: If you could travel back in time before you met your bf, what advice would you give yourself?
A: Enroll in a frequent flier plan NOW!

Q: How would you handle it if your bf cheated on you? If it happened long distance, would the distance make it more difficult to regain trust?
A: I don't know what I would do. I've never thought about it because it's something I've never worried about. We both have been hurt in the past.

Q: What is the preferred mode of transportation to visit your bf? How long does it take for you to get there?
A: 4 hours by car to bus station, 2 hours to airport by bus then about 12 hours of flying not including layovers. I go over 24 hours without sleep, but it's well worth it.

Q: Have you ever hid or avoided talking about your ldr to avoid embarrassment or criticism?
A: Yes. People react like it's odd that I'm in a long distance relationship, that we met online and that it's been so long and that it's stupid that I haven't moved there already. I actually had one male friend tell me that I was stupid and naive to think that he wasn't going out and having sex with other women and cheating on me. "Men need sex and that is what they do." I felt sorry for him that he will never know what it's actually like to love and trust someone the way that Vernon and I do.

Q: Do you have nicknames for each other?
A: I call him Honey or Sweetheart. He calls me Sexy Chicken! I love the way he says "Darling" too.

Q: What one thing do you cherish most from your bf?
A: Years ago he sent me a cross necklace. I loved it. Was stolen when we had our break in a year ago, but I'll never forget it.

Q: How many days have you been with your bf?
A: As of 7/27/2010 3pm - 3,964 days.

Q: If you were offered a free life sized cut out of your bf would you accept it?
A: YES! I love looking at him.

Q: What was the last thing you or your bf sent each other in the mail?
A: Postcards. I got them to cheer him up and sent them quite often.

Q: Where is your dream vacation spot?
A: We've always wanted to go somewhere hot and sandy.


Q: How many people do you know who are in an ldr?
A: None

Q: If you could have only 24 hours with your bf, how would you spend your time together?
A: Tee Hee.... next question...

Q: How many visits have you had with your bf? Which one is the most memorable?
A: Six visits totaling 11 weeks in the last 10 years, 10months. Our very first visit in Chicago is the most memorable for me.

Q: Name one thing that makes your bf more special than anyone.
A: He accepts everything about me, doesn't try to change me, and brings the best out of me. I never feel like I have to prove myself or try to make him happy.

Loving From A Distance - You Guys Rock!

I am dedicating this blog post to the folks at www.lovingfromadistance.com .  I have been following them on Facebook and Twitter for a while but I finally signed up and have been looking around in the forums, blogs, groups and shop.  I love it!  I have been in this relationship for so long, and I have had no support other than Vernon.  No one understands, sometimes I even feel like people think I'm making him up.  No one sees him as my equal partner. I don't talk about him really except with those very special friends who have actually met him, and complete strangers. Anyone that has met him thinks he's wonderful.

I have really enjoyed this site, reading about people with a variety of concerns, questions, celebrations and I feel myself celebrating with them.  I think a long distance relationship (LDR) is a wonderful thing. If you can survive through an LDR you can survive anything. It teaches you patience, understanding, appreciation and loyalty. You have so many opportunities to lie, cheat, accuse the other of the same, take a line in an email to mean something negative when in fact it was said in humor... it is a challenge. I hope to connect with people in a new LDR and people that have been in an LDR for several years. I have yet to find someone who has been in one as long as ours, and  if you are that person reading my blog please come forward as I am so interested in hearing your story!

I have managed this LDR with Vernon for nearly 11 years. It has become second nature, a part of my life, who I am. He is my other half and he just happens to not be here with me. We both have adjusted while still having our bad days apart, but overall I think we handle it better than we did 5 years ago.  I will be going through a major life change very soon and I have been dreading it for so long.  My baby girl, the girl I have raised by myself since she was almost 2, the baby girl who I feel I "grew up with" is now going to leave for college in one month.
She has been my strength, my reason for living, my reason for making the decisions I have made on anything, my reason for being in an LDR for over 10 years.  She is my #1 and always will be.  We are so close and do everything together.

We even have our own language which drives other family members and friends crazy. We have obsessions like Jackie Chan movies, Charmed, Gilmore Girls (it's so much like us it's freaky! lol), and most recently Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We are still working on season 7 and it's getting pretty dark and scary and intense.  Anyway, she's my best friend and she's going to be leaving me.  Don't get me wrong, I want her to go off to college, see the world, reach her goals... if that meant never seeing me again then so be it, as long as she is happy.  But... I will miss her. I will be sad without her and that will put my LDR at a different level that will make me feel like I'm starting over again. I'll have one of those sad days missing Vernon and instead of coming home to my wonderful daughter who will take my mind off of my misery, I will be coming home to an empty house to torture myself with my thoughts of misery and loneliness. I will now be maintaining TWO LDR's and it's gonna suck.  Vernon understands this and will be the most wonderful partner that he always ends up being and will put up with my adjustment as I will be very emotional for a while.

I want to thank Michelle and Frank for starting www.lovingfromadistance.com for people like Vernon and I.  I now have a place to go to express my feelings without being judged when Vernon and my daughter are not available. If you haven't checked this site out, click on the badge at the top of this post, or the link on the right. There is something for everyone in there.   You guys rock!

Happy Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day today!  I woke up my daughter at 8:30 this morning and told her I wanted to go out for breakfast.  I like the buffet at Country Kitchen and they always do something special for Mother's Day.  Of course, the teenager was very cranky with me for waking her up... but I reminded her that it was Mother's Day and that helped a little.  Well, by 10:30 my lovely girl and I were enjoying our brunch, she had a very nice hand made card for me and we had an awesome morning!  I'm lucky to have a girl like her.  She had prom last night and looked absolutely gorgeous, and yesterday morning we went on an early road trip to go shopping and we "car seat danced" and sang the entire way. After brunch we window shopped at the shopping center that passes for a mall in our area, then came home to relax and enjoy the rest of our day. I logged on to Facebook and I had a note there from Vernon's daughter wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.  She is a 13yr old beautiful girl who is very close to her dad.  I miss her very much. I want to teach and guide her as an adult female role model should, but it's so difficult with me being so far away.  Her laughter is contagious and her smile is amazing.  I love her very much and I fall in love with Vernon more and more when I see him with her and listen/read when he's gushing about her accomplishments.  Sometimes I have to help him with some of the female stuff, but overall, for a dad, he does ok.  He also has a son the same age as my daughter and for a while he's been going through a rough patch.  Vernon has been stressed and I have been as supportive as possible.  I've cried and worried because I should be with Vernon helping him out and supporting him, but, all of a sudden, his son is becoming the responsible young man that we knew he had the capabilities of being.  Vernon and I just have to keep loving him and supporting him while he finds himself as most teenagers need to do as they become adults.  I'll be sending mine off to college in the fall.  I'm scared and nervous about the entire transition. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to handle the separation. To be honest, I wish Vern was here to help me with this overwhelming task but it's something I have to do on my own.

Back on the topic of Mother's Day, I love my mom. She is helping me get through so much lately with planning the graduation party and visiting me when I'm feeling overwhelmed.  She's always been loving and supportive and I have been so very lucky.  Another mom who means alot to me is my English mum.  She is simply the English version of my mom.  When I am around her I couldn't feel more loved or accepted as a guest, and as her son's partner.  I miss my family when I am visiting in England, but Vernon's family makes it so easy for me to not be as homesick.  Also, when I am here, I miss her very much.  I miss her hugs and the way she says my name.  I'm crying right now just thinking of her.  She loves her son so very much.  She does things for him just as my mom does things for me.  And... Our moms never ask for anything in return.  We are both so lucky to be blessed with the moms that we have.  And my mom loves Vernon. She's tearfull when he visits and it is time for him to leave.  I hope he feels as special here as I do there.

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms in my life.  You deserve to be celebrated.     

My first blog post

I'm not sure where to start. I wish I started this 10 years ago, but my access to the internet and computers has been a bit dodgy so what I think this will be are random thoughts and happenings pertaining to my relationship now, and random flashbacks and memories.

I feel very lucky to have Vernon in my life. He is my best friend. I am amazed that we found each other. One day in September of 1999 I decided to look for a support group for young single parents. I was a 28 yr old mother of a 7yr old. I didn't know what I was doing, felt lonely, had no friends and I had nothing in common with the other mothers who were relatively older than me. Being naive as well as very new to the internet I learned quickly that it was full of perverts, especially the chat rooms. I found single parent postings and discussion boards and read a few by some single moms, but they were all looking for men. I looked at the very few postings for single dads and yes... they were all looking for women. I don't want a date, I just want to talk to someone who knows and understands what I'm going through. I expanded my search to a single parenting site based in the UK. Same thing... the single moms were all hot to trot. I came across this interesting post by a single dad. He has a son my daughter's age and an even younger little girl. He was my age, professional, and didn't mention wanting to find a woman. I thought about emailing him, then figured if he turned into a perv I would just stop emailing. Well, he responded and we've been emailing ever since.

Our communication is mostly chat and email. We do write letters, send cards and gifts and several years ago we had monthly phone calls. The calls stopped because of money and because of his hearing condition which has gotten worse over the years. We have just recently resumed the phone calls because he's got hearing aids and a speaker phone now, and I finally have internet at home and subscribe to Vonage World which is GREAT! I try to call him every week, and when he has days off from work I can call him when I get up in the morning. The time difference is usually 6 hours, except for 2 weeks in the spring when it is only 5. I like that. Visits started in Spring of 2002. We tried for every year but as the kids got older and flights got more expensive, it just got too difficult. Vern has made it out here 3 times and I have made it there 3 times. So, over the last 10 years, we have actually been together, on the same continent, a total of 11 weeks. That's a little over 1 week per year. Wow! And I feel we communicate better than most married couples.

I plan on calling him tomorrow. I'll have to tell him about this blog.