Visa Update

Well, after sending out my application I have been nervous and stressed about the entire process.  My brain kept thinking horrible thoughts; "What if I missed something? What if I made a mistake on the deadline? What if I get someone who is having a really bad day, and decides to reject every application that crosses his desk?"  Well, I tortured myself for a week and a half and then I got an email. It said I had mailed my application and documents to the wrong place.

I sent everything to New York; apparently they haven't processed settlement applications since 2012. Well f**k me. I also sent the wrong kind of shipping label as they don't take hand written FedEx waybills so I made TWO BIG FAT GIANT mistakes. I forwarded Vern the email and I called my mom. I had trouble holding it together when I told her. {As I'm typing this I'm sitting in a public laundromat with my eyes filling with tears as I recall that horrible day. Hope no one notices.} Anyway, I think I made my mom cry. I  just needed my mom that day, it wasn't my intent to upset her but my parents really want Vernon and I to be happy and to be together.  I cried for days, actually lost my appetite for three days and felt like my life was over.  I will never get to be with my husband.  We will have to re-do this entire process and will have to come up with ANOTHER $1,513, but with the way the economy is going, and how the value of the dollar is getting worse, we would never be able to come up with that amount of money again.  I also pride myself in being an intelligent person and to make such a dumb mistake I was so embarrassed.  People were constantly asking me "Have you heard anything?" and I would lie and say "no".  Only a couple people new what I had done and I really didn't want anyone else to know.

Vernon, my wonderful husband, remained positive and managed to keep me from going out of my mind or slipping into a deep depression.  I got the application and paperwork back after a couple more weeks and more shipping costs. I had to go through my paperwork again because they went through everything in New York.  I put it all together again for the immigration folks in the UK and added a cover letter explaining the embarrassing error.  I went to the post office and sent it again, incurring more shipping costs to get everything to the UK and to get my originals back from the UK. THEN!... there was a mix up in Green Bay with my package because they were being dumb, and an amazing USPS employee here in Iron Mountain went above and beyond to make sure my package made it to the UK when it was supposed to.  At this point I'm feeling as if there is an evil force trying to keep me from moving to the UK.

Well, this is how the rest of this went:

• Monday, October 13: UK Immigration received my application and documents per tracking ID.
• Tuesday, October 14: I received an automated email saying they received my application.  I then received a second automated email saying I'm missing the Appendix 2. {WILL THIS NEVER END?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!} I worked on the Appendix 2 that night.  It is a 17 page document.
• Wednesday, October 15:  Finished working on the Appendix 2 and planned on emailing it from work tomorrow morning.
• Thursday, October 16, 6:30am: I received an automated email saying "A decision has been made and my passport will be shipped via UPS tracking ID blah blah blah..." 

Then all hell breaks loose. I am sobbing uncontrollably, get Vern on a hangout, I can barely talk I'm crying so hard, as I naturally assume they have denied me.  "I haven't turned in the Appendix 2 yet!" There was no deadline, it hadn't been 2 days yet. Why would they do this to us? I've worked so hard, I'm employed, I'm responsible, I deserve to live with my husband!  Why didn't they wait for the Appendix 2?  Vernon did some research while I'm hyper ventilating and crying and he's remaining unusually positive.  I think he's being crazy as there is no way they'd approved me.  My passport was picked up by UPS before I even emailed the Appendix 2 but I emailed it anyway.

• Monday, October 20: the package arrives via UPS at work. I have to wait until Vern is home from work and I go into my boss' office and start a hangout.  I open the package together with Vern, he looked like he was about to be sick and felt like this was not going to be good at all, I started to cry before I even got it open.  I found my passport and went through it... > > > > >

YUP, I GOT IT! {CRYING AGAIN}

"Do you want a slow dance or not"

Fourteen years. We have been together for fourteen years.  Sometimes I just can't believe it has been that long, and yet I can't seem to remember a time when I didn't know Vernon.  It's as if he's been with me my entire life.  Vernon's been working on a project going through our old emails, trying to get them organized. He found a very important one, one I really don't remember typing, yet I remember those feelings like it was yesterday.  I sent him an email after 2 1/2 months of exchanging letters, emails and what I think was one phone call where I paced up and down the living room holding note cards with things to talk about because I didn't want him to think I was a moron. I was shocked to see the date of this email, because like I said, I remember the feelings, it's everything else that's a bit of a blur.  This email defines our relationship now.  This email really expresses our connection to each other at such an early point in our friendship.  I've omitted the babbling and boring bits.

 To:  VERNON PHILLIPS
Date:  8 December 1999, 00:48
I hate this!  I really hate this!  Vernon, aren't we supposed to be JUST
pen pals?  I am having a bad week.  This is going to be unlike any email
you have ever gotten from me.  I am having a bad week.  I am lonely.  I
am very lonely.  It has been a really REALLY long time since I felt
loved, secure and happy.  Then you had to say you wanted to dance with
me, "slow".  My stomach took a jump when I read that.  No one ever said
that to me before.  Not even my husband.  I don't want to fall for you
but you are not making it easy for me.   You are too damn nice and
really funny and easy to talk to.  I don't even know what you look like
and I don't care.  I was really sad this past weekend when you didn't
call.  Really sad.  I'm crying now.  I am also getting the impression
that you are falling for me.  I hope not.  It would be impossible, just
impossible.  We are too far apart and we both have kids that really
can't leave the country.  Sometimes I find myself daydreaming and it's
of me and you and i am in your arms and we are dancing so close and so
slow... Also, if you are falling for me, guys are different than
girls, you may not like the way I look.  I'm not skinny.

 ....You are so wonderful to me Vern, I really
like you.  I guess I just have to get out and meet some friends up here
in Michigan.  Then maybe I wouldn't feel so lonely.  I love your emails,
you are so sweet.   

....I think you are very special and I
think of you all the time... all the time.  I just felt like spilling my
guts to you tonight.  I miss you and hope you write soon.
Thinking of you...
Kimberly xxoo

Now this is Vernon's response to my gut spilling email.

To: Kimberly Jimenez
Date: 9 December 1999, 20:00
Our relationship, being what it is, prevents either of us from falling
too far. I do think about you a lot, and it's clear from reading your
letter that your thoughts have echoed mine, with regards to the
impossibility of our relationship ever going beyond a certain point.
We both have our own lives, our own families, children etc. I would
love to think that we could meet one day in the not so distant future,
but I don't want you to think that I am messing with your mind. I'm
sorry that you are lonely, I know that feeling all too well. 

 ....As usual I am unable to spend the right amount
of time on this letter, and for that I apologise. You deserve a better
effort from me, but before I write again I have to ask, would you
rather I was JUST a pen pal. Your friendship is important to me, and I
don't want it to end, but I don't want to become a problem for you, so
I suppose it's a question of "Do you want a slow dance or not" :-)
Until the next time,
-Vern.

Well, you all know the answer to that question.

Missing Him Terribly

We got married!  The wedding was small and beautiful; and the reception was a fantastic celebration where he could meet my extended family and friends.  I promise I will post details, photos and video later.  I regretfully got away from blogging and I do miss it very much.  Things have been crazy and my mood hasn't been the best. Today's post will be a short one, but an important one.

One day last week a song came on the radio as I was pulling into the parking lot at work.  I had to sit in the lot for a while because this song made me cry.  It made me think of Vernon and I miss him so much.  Every time this song is on the radio I cry.  I absolutely love that it is by the Goo Goo Dolls, I have always loved their music.

He went back home to the UK just a couple days after the reception. It was a very sad day for the both of us and by far the most difficult goodbye we've had to do. Since then it's been back to the usual, chatting for a short time every day and video hangouts on the weekends. I cry a lot more because it's been 14 years and we are finally married but still apart. There are many factors both obvious and personal as to why we are not together, but one day we hope that will change.

Love Letter Day; 3/31/01; 1 hr to go

The 10th of every month is Love Letter Day. I still like to visit this amazing website Loving From a Distance, the best resource for anyone of any age that is in a long distance relationship (ldr).  I get advice, and also give advice when those in a new ldr find out I've been in one for so long.  Vernon was going through some of his old photos and letters and came across this gem. I totally forgot I wrote it until he started reading it to me.  I can't believe how far our relationship has come! Now we're getting married. I submitted this letter to the LFAD website and now others can become inspired by it. 

Or... work on their handwriting skills so they don't write as sloppy as me. 

Dear Vernon,
There is only about one hour to go. I am so nervous I have to talk myself into remembering to relax.  I feel like crying!  Not because I'm sad... I cry when I am over emotional... happy, sad, angry, and for today very excited, nervous and happy!  I can't begin to describe my feelings right now.  I really hope I am not a disappointment.  That is my biggest fear. 

Will you smile when you see me?  I'm almost afraid to look at you.  This is so overwhelming.  It's like if I make eye contact with you I might explode.

Today will be your day... our day... to get "re"-acquainted.  I can't see a clock!  I should've got myself a watch. :)  

Being at the hotel last night was strange.  It didn't seem right for me to be there alone.  I hope you like the room.

I am very nervous and beginning to babble!  This letter is supposed to tell you how I was feeling 1 hr. before you got here as my emotions will be crazy in one hour's time.  I'm very scared.  It's kind of a weird scared, like from seeing a ghost.  Right now you are only words on a screen or paper, flat photos and a voice on the phone.  I will be using my other senses with you and it's a feeling I have never felt before.  Scared is the only word I can think of that fits.  I will go check the time now... Yikes! You're getting here sooner than 12:10.  You are scheduled to arrive at 11:51 and it is now 11:19.  1/2 hr. about!  :)  I should remind myself you are probably just as nervous as I am, feeling the same as I am, and you love me just as much as I love you.  I should just chill out and relax!!  11:22. I shouldn't be watching the clock.  It will drive me crazy!  But I don't want you to arrive and have no one to greet  you.  That would suck! :)

I'm going to stop writing babbling :)I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART!!!Yours Forever,Kimberly  xxoo

In addition to writing that letter I also remember hiding behind a pillar because I was afraid of him seeing me before I saw him. From the time it took him landing to making it through the terminal doors it felt like forever; but I stayed glued behind that pillar the entire time. I confessed later and he just thought that was cute. (I think)

Take advantage of today by writing a love letter to your spouse, significant other, kids, BFF, or the elderly neighbor.  Make someones day today.

It's 10pm and I Should Be in Bed

I'm planning a wedding.  I'm going on no sleep because nothing is booked yet.  I'm up til 2am looking for cake ideas, music, centerpiece ideas, dresses, you name it.  Vernon doesn't want to wait until October so we agreed to pay the extra cost in airfare and do it in July.  I'm really excited about becoming his wife, but right now all I can do is cry.  He's not here.  He's been so supportive but he's not here.  I can't IM him now because he's sleeping and works in a few hours.  The reason I'm crying is because I just realized that I can't have the one thing that I have always wanted at my wedding, the thing that I have been building everything else around and that is daffodils.  I just assumed that they were grown in warm places and in green houses and they were available anytime.  I went to a florist and she tried to talk me out of them until I told her how important they were to me.  Every time I go to England in the spring, I leave here ass deep in snow and arrive in England to daffodils everywhere.  If the florist can get them she said they may be super expensive.  We can't do super expensive on anything.  I know this is a stupid thing to be upset about but Vern and I have waited 13 years for this... will be closer to 14 when the date finally gets here.  You would think I'd be able to have the flower that I want.  I thought I'd look for wholesale flowers, that came up empty too.  I want to plan something that reflects us and our personalities and daffodils are it.  Vernon is so tired when he gets home from work and I bombard him with links and questions and prices and  pictures and he doesn't complain and gives me the feedback that I need.  He feels bad he can't be here to help and I'm trying to not be obsessive but I want it to be special for him.

I've also discovered something else.  We can't be together when we buy our wedding rings.  It's like going out to buy a pair of shoes.  I'll go out and pick it out and try it on, and Vern will do the same and then we purchase them.  We are supposed to do that together and we can't.  My ring will have to be put together and Vern will need to try his on for perfect fit.  Next time I see him will be for the wedding.  This entire process has been fun but stressful and emotional.  The LDR veterans who have done this before me... I have no idea how you did it without falling apart.  I think maybe I'm just tired tonight.

It's Thanksgiving this week.  I can't be with my daughter and I can't be with Vernon.  That's got me down as well.  This is one bummer of a post and I apologize but I needed to get this out so I can go to sleep.  I'm so tired.  Thank you for listening and I promise I'll make the next post more upbeat and wedding like.

Monthly Milestones - July

Another Monthly Milestone post means summer is coming to an end. I'm dreading the snow already. It's been a crappy summer with my knee being all banged up but all I can do is keep on working on it and be very careful.

I had a few things I wanted to accomplish in July. It never happened. No cleaning out the garage or anything like that took place. I'm having enough trouble keeping up with my laundry. I also didn't sign up for a class. I have no money. I'm going to lose my spot in the program if I don't register for school this semester.  I really don't want to lose the progress I've made on my degree but I'm still trying to pay off the heat bill left over from the winter. I really need a class to keep me occupied in the evenings, especially right after Heidi leaves for school which will be the beginning of September. It was an emotional, difficult miserable month. I know I'm supposed to be looking at the positives but I don't see them right now.

What are my goals for August? I don't know? I'm sitting here thinking of the things I want to accomplish and I just want to stay in bed and do nothing. I have my business trip at the end of the month which I'm nervous about because my knee still hurts when I work out. My daughter leaves for college while I'm gone and then I wont see her until either Thanksgiving or Christmas. I don't want to cry as much as I have been lately. It has kind of been a daily thing for me so I guess that's my goal for August, to stop crying so much over nothing.


Maybe I should make a daily list. Nothing major, even if it's just one item I want to accomplish. (Is that still considered a list?) Then when I complete that task or tasks on that list or non-list I will feel a sense of accomplishment and not the miserable loser that I feel like today. I am also going to make sure I work out every day... I'm calling that "Operation Metallica" because I want to be able to stand for the entire Metallica concert at my conference unlike the Stevie Wonder concert at last years conference.


In a sense, I guess I did end up with some goals for August, which will include a trip to the doctor to help me get a handle on whatever is going on with me. My outlet for all things miserable is this blog so don't worry, I'm not going anywhere.

A Rough Week

Vernon has been off of work all week. He's around to chat most of the day, we Skype when I wake up in the morning and we Skype when I get home from work until the wee hours of the morning for him. I love the extra time "together". We've been talking about silly things, we've been talking about serious things, and sometimes we just sit there and look at each other. When it's time to say goodbye I get very sad and stressed. I just want him here. Tuesday morning I had physical therapy. I woke up early and was tearful and sad. I really didn't have a reason for it. I was on the verge of tears throughout my therapy appointment and then began crying toward the end because I couldn't step up with my bad leg. The poor Dr. thought he made me cry but it wasn't that. I spent the day fighting tears or hiding in the bathroom at work when I couldn't hold it back any longer. Wednesday morning I woke up and Vernon and I had a Skype call. He teases me because I have trouble waking up. We had a nice time talking and then we chatted throughout the day. When I got home I was sad and tired and just wanted to go to bed and watch Netflix or something. I then started missing Vern and began to cry. The crying just got worse, it's the kind of crying where my entire head was stuffed, my nose was running and every time I swallowed my ears would pop. I couldn't stop. I missed Vernon so much. This went off and on for a few hours. There was a pain in the middle of my chest and I felt sick so I didn't have any dinner. I cried until I was finally able to fall asleep. Thursday morning was therapy again but I was able to Skype with Vernon after work. My eyes were puffy and burned all day from crying the night before. After we hung up it happened again, but I only cried for about 15 minutes. I wasn't going to eat, but I told Vernon I wouldn't skip dinner tonight so I made myself some hot dogs. He really doesn't like it when I skip meals. Friday morning I got to wake up to Vernon again, and then after work we were on Skype again till Vernon's eyes were glazed over from his lager and lack of sleep. I love the way he looks when he's sleepy. He's so cute. Friday was a tremendous day, lots of good things happened and I was not sad anymore.

I love Vernon. I know he loves me. He makes me feel so special, beautiful, wanted, happy and loved, but I still feel sad at times. I will never regret the decision we made to have a long distance relationship because nothing is more important to us than our children; but I still manage to have the occasional bad day, even after 11 years.

What were you doing one year ago?

Vernon and I chat several times a week.  I was going through our chats from 2010 and thought it would be interesting to see what we were talking about a year ago today. I wonder if all our chats are like this because boy do I look like I have some form of A.D.D. because I jump around from topic to topic.

One year ago today:

• I synced my Outlook calendar with Salesforce.com. Vernon's response, "You know how to have fun."
• I told Vern about the awards ceremony at Heidi's school, how she was going to get presented with her scholarship to WMU and that my Aunt and Uncle would be there too. (Turned out that they don't present the big awards on award night, they save those for graduation so we sat through that entire thing for nothing.)
• I was very angry. Didn't know why. I couldn't focus. Had a bad case of road rage on the way to taking Heidi to school. Vernon said, "It's good to be angry every so often." 
• A certain co-worker was annoying the crap out of me quite frequently and did something specific that day that really annoyed me. This year I don't have to deal with that person anymore. WOO HOOO!
• I was worried about seeing the Ex next week. I'm thinking that was for graduation. I'm actually shocked he showed up. Was never good at following through with commitments to Heidi.
• Vernon had 46 parcels (packages) for one house. He didn't mention it to his manager because he would have taken them off of him and given him 45 more packages to different houses. That is what my dad would call working smart, not hard. Then I went on to talk about my FedEx days. Oh such good times... (not really)
• Vernon's work got a new computer system and it broke down... is an expensive new system and it breaks down. Frustrating.
• I took my lunch break at home and thought I'd surprise Vernon with a phone call. Of course no one answered. Vernon's reply, "although as I look across to the phone, I see someone has called. Sorry Darling." (I love when he calls me Darling).
• I'm training a new girl, they hired someone yesterday to help me out. She's very tall, young, eager to learn and very nice. 
• Heidi just called, she and her friend are going to study at the park. She's got an Economics test and her friend has a Government test. (Wow, seems like yesterday she was in high school)
• It was a beautiful sunny warm day but I was freezing my boobies off? Vernon's response, "Be careful where they fall!" Apparently it was warmer in the U.P. than in Somerset that day.
• I had an odd dream last night... A Watertown firefighter, my friend NM, Heidi and I were in some unknown living room watching TV. I was only wearing a towel. NM and the firefighter were my ride. I wanted to go home to get dressed but no one would take me.
• I was looking at Vernon's photos in Facebook. He had a picture of the place where we had our dinners during our trip to Copper Harbor. 
• We say goodbye the same way nearly every time. Vernon: "bye sexy"; Me: "bye".

Injury

April 13 was a very sad day, a very trying day, and a very painful day for me. When I say painful, I mean it in the literal sense. Yes, every time I have to leave Vernon it is painful, but this time, I experienced pain in more ways than one.

I checked in at the airport at the Air France counter. I get someone who can barely speak English... HELLO! WE ARE IN ENGLAND! WTF??? And I find out I do not have the seat that I confirmed 4 times through their partner airline since I made the reservation in January. You cannot reserve a seat when booking with Air France. I find that UNACCEPTABLE. I checked in early and I wanted an aisle seat. I told her the seat that I had reserved and confirmed 4 times and that I wanted THAT seat. I did a lot of research on planes and seats and locations of bathrooms and ratings of the locations of the seats and I paid for that seat and when I booked the plane was pretty much empty so I should have first pick of the coach seats. Well, every other airline lets you do that, but NOT Air France. UNACCEPTABLE. I was very upset that I did not have my seat and tried to understand her broken English and I told her I wanted an aisle seat close to where I had reserved the seat I didn't get. She found one for me, and I was sort of happy.

I had a long layover in Paris. I witnessed a lot of impatience and mistreatment of Asian travelers by the TSA. Obviously there are a lot of Asian travelers that pass through this INTERNATIONAL airport, where were the folks that could speak something besides French? UNACCEPTABLE. It was my turn to go through and having traveled before, I know the drill. I took my laptop out of its case, put it in a bin, then the BITCH looked at me, grabbed the empty laptop case and yanked it out of my purse with such force everything in my purse went everywhere. She just smiled and said "sorry". I wanted to punch her in the face. I just looked at her and said "What was that for?" I got nothing. NEVER have I been mistreated so badly by the TSA.

I boarded the plane and I was directed toward my seat. There was a girl sitting in my seat. It was on the aisle. I politely informed her she was sitting in my seat. She said her seat was the correct seat. I showed her my boarding pass and she said, yes, your seat is the second one in, mine is on the aisle. WELL SON OF A BITCH! That stupid incompetent non English speaking moron put me in an inner seat. I apologized to the girl and she got up and stepped into the aisle.  I had my carryon, was stepping over the girl's stuff, over the seats, making my way to the inner seat and POP! My knee exploded and I dropped like a sack of potatoes. I ended up in 2 seats and some poor guy's lap. I just lied there, not really sure what happened or how injured I was. The nice girl asked me if I was ok and I said "I don't know". I got into my seat and realized that I think I did some damage as I was in a ridiculous amount of pain. I fought back tears and didn't know how I was going to survive the 9hr flight from Paris to Detroit. Thankfully the girl I was sitting next to spoke to her family and they all switched seats so I could sit in an aisle seat next to a nice girl sitting by the window.  Once I got to Detroit I was in the worst pain, I limped through the airport, had to get my luggage and go through customs. Then I had to go through security again so I could get to my destination. The TSA in Detroit were much more pleasant that the ones in Paris and I was happy to be home (almost). Airport employees would see me limping and gripping the wall and ask me if I wanted a wheelchair. I just wanted to be left alone and I was miserable and upset and just kept telling them "No".

Well, it's one month later. I got an MRI and I have a partial tear on my ACL. I have been using crutches and can't get in to see the orthopedic surgeon until June 1st so now my back is out. I have been working from home for over a week, I can't get up or sit down without help. I have to call my daughter every time I need to go to the bathroom so she can help me stand up, I have to have her bring me my food and I'm taking vicodin every 4 hours. I'm in constant pain, I'm miserable, and I can't move. I'm worried that work will ask me to take time off and I'm out of vacation and sick time. I also recently lost 39 pounds from eating a balanced diet and exercising every day, and now that I can't even walk I've gained 5 pounds. I'm pissed and I'm upset and I'm feeling useless and neglected and very very tired. All because of stupid Air France. I will NEVER use that airline again. Oh yeah, and the food sucks too.... everything had this disgusting white mushy cheese on it and there were things I couldn't even tell what it was. YUCK.

Yeah, sorry about the venting, but the photo above is all I've been able to look at for the last week. If this injury affects my employment I'm definitely calling a lawyer.

Smiles!

When you are with someone long enough you can tell what your partner is thinking just by looking at his face. You can tell if he is happy, sad, confused, angry, annoyed or just plain indifferent. Some think that those of us in a long distance relationship (LDR) are at a disadvantage but I think we are at an advantage now, especially with the technology today. Since my daughter has gone off to college, Vernon and I Skype every Sunday. It is wonderful getting to see him every week. At first it was like torture, only getting to see him for a short while and then having to say goodbye, but I'm used to it now. I really look forward to my Sundays with him. Well, I think an LDR is very similar to a person who has lost one or more of his senses. If you can't see, you have very sharp hearing, or if you can't hear, you are very observant sometimes to the point of being able to read lips. Well, since I am unable to touch him and see him in 3d I have to pay attention to his facial expressions. When we are simply chatting, I have to pay attention to his words, how fast or slow they appear on the screen, even the silly little emoticons that he uses. We can tell if the other is busy, in a bad mood, troubled, or happy just from our chatting. We have personalities in the way we chat. But, when we Skype I have the ability to see his face. Vernon has this smile that makes me melt and feel like I am so very loved and he looks like he's thinking that he's the luckiest man in the world. (As he very well should. LOL) It's a simple smile, I could be talking away about a stupid story or just sitting there and he just smiles at me with that very specific smile. If you are blessed enough to be with your partner every day, pay attention to what they are saying, how they are saying it, their facial expressions. Don't be distracted with what is going on around you. Just look at each other, enjoy each other and appreciate each other. It's easier than you think.

Six Billion to One

Wow, he really loves me.

I got an email from Vernon today letting me know that he's trying blogging again.  I was thinking maybe it was about technology or just life in general, but I come to find that his post was all about me.

Then I was thinking, Oh how nice. He's blogging about how we met, the whole time line, our story, just the facts. Boy was I wrong.

I know he loves he. I've known this for many years. I don't doubt his love and I trust him completely, I always have. But reading his blog entry today felt as if he was telling me he loved me for the first time. I had butterflies in my stomach, my face got red and felt hot, and I cried. I will never be as romantic or eloquent as Vernon, and I sometimes wonder if I make him feel as special and loved as he makes me feel.

There are days when I think that I may wake up from this wonderful dream, because it just can't be possible to feel this kind of love for and from someone. If everyone had this kind of love, there would be no more war, no more crimes, no more hate.

Wow. He really really loves me.

Six Billion to One: Six Billion to One:

"So it comes down to Numbers.

Two People in a World of over Six Billion,

Two People 3710 Miles apart,

Ten years together and going strong....

...and one very lucky Guy!"

Loving From A Distance - You Guys Rock!

I am dedicating this blog post to the folks at www.lovingfromadistance.com .  I have been following them on Facebook and Twitter for a while but I finally signed up and have been looking around in the forums, blogs, groups and shop.  I love it!  I have been in this relationship for so long, and I have had no support other than Vernon.  No one understands, sometimes I even feel like people think I'm making him up.  No one sees him as my equal partner. I don't talk about him really except with those very special friends who have actually met him, and complete strangers. Anyone that has met him thinks he's wonderful.

I have really enjoyed this site, reading about people with a variety of concerns, questions, celebrations and I feel myself celebrating with them.  I think a long distance relationship (LDR) is a wonderful thing. If you can survive through an LDR you can survive anything. It teaches you patience, understanding, appreciation and loyalty. You have so many opportunities to lie, cheat, accuse the other of the same, take a line in an email to mean something negative when in fact it was said in humor... it is a challenge. I hope to connect with people in a new LDR and people that have been in an LDR for several years. I have yet to find someone who has been in one as long as ours, and  if you are that person reading my blog please come forward as I am so interested in hearing your story!

I have managed this LDR with Vernon for nearly 11 years. It has become second nature, a part of my life, who I am. He is my other half and he just happens to not be here with me. We both have adjusted while still having our bad days apart, but overall I think we handle it better than we did 5 years ago.  I will be going through a major life change very soon and I have been dreading it for so long.  My baby girl, the girl I have raised by myself since she was almost 2, the baby girl who I feel I "grew up with" is now going to leave for college in one month.
She has been my strength, my reason for living, my reason for making the decisions I have made on anything, my reason for being in an LDR for over 10 years.  She is my #1 and always will be.  We are so close and do everything together.

We even have our own language which drives other family members and friends crazy. We have obsessions like Jackie Chan movies, Charmed, Gilmore Girls (it's so much like us it's freaky! lol), and most recently Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We are still working on season 7 and it's getting pretty dark and scary and intense.  Anyway, she's my best friend and she's going to be leaving me.  Don't get me wrong, I want her to go off to college, see the world, reach her goals... if that meant never seeing me again then so be it, as long as she is happy.  But... I will miss her. I will be sad without her and that will put my LDR at a different level that will make me feel like I'm starting over again. I'll have one of those sad days missing Vernon and instead of coming home to my wonderful daughter who will take my mind off of my misery, I will be coming home to an empty house to torture myself with my thoughts of misery and loneliness. I will now be maintaining TWO LDR's and it's gonna suck.  Vernon understands this and will be the most wonderful partner that he always ends up being and will put up with my adjustment as I will be very emotional for a while.

I want to thank Michelle and Frank for starting www.lovingfromadistance.com for people like Vernon and I.  I now have a place to go to express my feelings without being judged when Vernon and my daughter are not available. If you haven't checked this site out, click on the badge at the top of this post, or the link on the right. There is something for everyone in there.   You guys rock!

There is missing you and then there is MISSING YOU.

Things have been crazy busy for me this summer getting the kid ready for college.  First it's a full weekend of graduation and then the party 4 hours from home.  Then we had to make a trip down to fabulous Kalamazoo for a 2 day orientation, with 2 days of travel and an extra day for just hanging out.  It gets expensive and I'm using up my vacation time pretty quick.  I don't remember to check my email or even log on to the computer because I'm out of my normal routine.  The norm is chatting nearly every day with Vernon, sending occasional emails and Facebook or Picassa updates. When I'm away from the computer, It's as if I've left him behind.  I miss him in a different way.  I don't know how to explain it.  We joke about the day when we are finally united and we wont know how to function together.  He'll get home from work and sit down at the computer and I'll be in the next room on another computer and we'll chat to each other.  Crazy, I know. My recent adventures have been so jam packed with information, excitement, stress, and interesting stuff.  This thing with me being a parent of a high school graduate is new to me, I need Vernon to help me cope and celebrate, but I'm not even logged into the computer.  I always tell him before I go anywhere.  We made a promise to each other that we would not avoid logging into the computer for more than 3 days no matter if we are upset with each other (which has never happened, I don't think) or if we are busy.  When I didn't hear from Vernon for 3 days, I worried.  I've worried things like he's mad at me, he's sick, he's had an accident, all the worst... I'm a worrier.  It's always the work schedule, he has a demanding job.  When his job is extra demanding, I'll get a quick short email just saying that he loves me, and I'm happy with that.  I want him to take care of himself, I want him to give his kids the attention that they need, I want him to be happy and not worry about me, but I do need to hear that he is still alive if it's going to be 3 days.  Today is Friday, he's usually there on Fridays.  But... work has been tough, he's had a recent minor injury and I know his son is coming home for a visit sometime soon, so I'm not worried. Well, I worry about his injury, but I know overall he's fine.  I'll try calling him Sunday afternoon (evening his time) and if he's not in, we'll catch up on Monday as he usually does after a long weekend of no contact.  I constantly miss him, but I miss him in a different way when we don't communicate for several days.

It's amazing how he can read my mood just from chatting.  With all the stress of getting the kid ready for school, I've been very emotional and moody. Sometimes we are both moody and tired which makes for a very brief and uneventful conversation.  We don't fight, we just don't say very much.  The last time we chatted, he was extra attentive.  It was wonderful.  He was unusually talkative, flirty, spunky.  I liked it.  I needed that. He picked up my crappy mood and made me smile.  He's very intuitive to my needs and feelings and this is over the computer.  Whew, I'm babbling and falling asleep. I'll try to post more often, things are so crazy for me right now.  Have a great weekend!

Good Days and Bad Days

I don't recognize the person in this photo.  I know it's me, but I don't recognize her as me.  Normally I try to be as invisible as I can in front of the camera.  But... when Vern is the one taking the photos, I enjoy having my photo taken.  I smile, I feel beautiful and I have fun.  Also, when I am having photos taken of me just for Vern, I enjoy those too.  Like when he sends me a gift or he's been begging me for some more photos.  I also make a point to wear red, he likes me in red, and he loves my eyes.  My world completely disappears when he's looking directly into my eyes.  Whew!  Anyway, back to the photo... it was taken in England.  To be honest, I don't remember where, Portland Bill is my educated guess... and I'd have to do some math to remember the year.  I do remember being very insistent on finding a small replica of the Portland Bill lighthouse for my mom, and I wasn't going to leave until I found one.  Thank goodness I found one.

Well, the title of this post is good days and bad days.  That is because I have had both lately.  My lovely daughter just graduated from high school.  She's an amazing kid, very creative, beautiful, loving, funny, mature, but really has to work at her grades.  Her graduating was a major milestone that made me cry and shake to the point of not being able to take a decent photo of her during the graduation ceremony.  I really wanted Vern and the kids there.  They are part of our family and this is a celebratory occasion when they should be here.  It's not a practical request in this situation, but I'm human and I want my way and I really wanted them here.  There have been many times when I felt this way about being there... like when Vernon gets very sick or when he injured himself this past winter, and when his kids have those usual teen moments where they or dad need that extra support.  It just isn't practical.  I took lots of photos for Vern and the kids to see, so he doesn't feel like he missed anything.  He moans at me when there aren't any of me, so I made sure others used my camera and took a few pics.  Work has been going well too, I come home with so much to talk about but he's not here.

Today was a bad day.  I became frustrated early in the day and it got worse from there.  I came home and had lunch with my daughter which was nice, and then my afternoon really dragged after that.  On my way home I started to cry.  I don't think I actually had a good reason, it was just one of those days, maybe I have PMS... I don't really keep track but it's possible.  Regardless, I was sad and needed Vernon.  As I was in tears I was thinking that Vern is nuts to love someone as emotional as me.  He knows how I get and he's seen and heard me cry.  I even tell him if I'm crying while we are chatting.  I have to be myself around him.  I like to be myself around him.  He doesn't mind the emotions.  He accepts everything about me.  I did come home to a cheerful girl who was happy to see me and my mood changed quickly.  But then my thoughts moved to the days when she will be off to college and I'll really be alone on days like this.  I wanted to cry again but didn't. Over the winter months Vernon went through a bit of a sad slump that he just couldn't shake.  To help him out of that I found a pack of these awesome postcards on Amazon.com and sent him a couple a week.  He seemed to enjoy them.  I was determined to cheer him up.  He also comes home to a cheerful daughter, and he wont be shipping her off to school for some time so he's good for a while.

I look forward to the days when I can come home and celebrate a successful day with him, or give him the heads up when I'm having a bad day and he greets me with hugs and ice cream when I get home.

Missing You Like Crazy

I had a long day at work yesterday. It started with a list of tasks and projects and everything got put on hold to troubleshoot an issue that came up. I manage the company's CRM and it is very user friendly. Glitches are something that just don't happen with this product. I had users telling me the site had a glitch, but I'm 98% sure that it was user error. I had to fix the problem and it took me the rest of the afternoon. As I made my corrections, evidence consisting of what I would call an electronic 'paper trail' proves that this was all user error. HA! When it comes to this CRM I know my stuff!

Around lunch hour, up pops my honey. Ha ha, you could take that a number of ways... but I'm talking IM. ;) We chat a few times a week. His job keeps him very busy so he's unable to chat every day. Some days are much busier than others for me, as while I'm chatting I'm doing other things. I'm the multi-tasking queen. Some days I end up neglecting him but he's very understanding because he knows I'm at work. Sometimes I forget he's on, which is TERRIBLE of me, but I'll get pulled away from my desk or get caught up in a phone call. It's not like he's ever distracted by 'Dr. Who', 'Top Gear' or that evening's movie. {insert sarcasm here} . As always, he asked me how my day was going. He's always interested in what's going on at work. Here is how that part of our conversation went.

V: how is my sexy girl?
K: lets just say, that if i were coming home to you tonight, i would insist that we order take out and then watch a funny movie with you curled up on the sofa of course. My brain is fried today.

It would have been a perfect night to go home to him with carry out for dinner and we would put on our comfy clothes, eat in front of the TV then curl up on the sofa with a funny movie. That would be perfect therapy for me. Instead, I did go home after work, sat in the truck and had a good cry before making it into the house to make a wonderful taco dinner for my daughter and the evening turned out to be very nice. My girl has a way of doing that for me.

Today was Vernon's day off, what he calls his "Fifth Day". I set my alarm for 6am to give him a call. I always try to call him on his day off since it is only noon over there. Well, I called again and again and he was not home. I knew he had lots to do, like look for blinds for the kitchen door and he likes to visit his parents, and he also spends quality time with his daughter so I wasn't surprised when he didn't answer the phone. I was feeling uneasy and full of anxiety this morning and really needed to talk to him, but I knew he'd be online later because yesterday he said he would be.

I'm feeling panicked and full of anxiety today. I had trouble focusing at work and feeling the physical effects of my stress. My daughter's graduation is in less than a month. I have yet to get out the invitations, order her gift, and finances are very tight. I have good months and bad months, why does this month have to be a bad month? Next month is orientation. We still have so much to do and plan for. I want it to be perfect. She deserves a perfect graduation party. I'm telling Vernon about my feelings, my worries, and how this stress today is affecting me. I could tell he was very worried, sad, and really wanted to help me. I need him on days like this. I cried again today but had to pull myself together because I was at work and I didn't want anyone to see me crying. It's days like this that make me angry that we are so far apart, I miss him so much and I get so tired of struggling with everything by myself day in and day out. I feel alone but then he tells me he loves me and I feel so much better. I remember what I am feeling is temporary and mostly because of the frustration of planning this graduation party and fearing the empty nest, not to mention my daughter, who is my best friend, will be moving 10 hours away from me in the fall. I'm still having trouble focusing so I'm sorry if this seems a bit scattered.

I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful understanding man make me feel so loved and cared for.