Love Letter Day; 3/31/01; 1 hr to go

The 10th of every month is Love Letter Day. I still like to visit this amazing website Loving From a Distance, the best resource for anyone of any age that is in a long distance relationship (ldr).  I get advice, and also give advice when those in a new ldr find out I've been in one for so long.  Vernon was going through some of his old photos and letters and came across this gem. I totally forgot I wrote it until he started reading it to me.  I can't believe how far our relationship has come! Now we're getting married. I submitted this letter to the LFAD website and now others can become inspired by it. 

Or... work on their handwriting skills so they don't write as sloppy as me. 

Dear Vernon,
There is only about one hour to go. I am so nervous I have to talk myself into remembering to relax.  I feel like crying!  Not because I'm sad... I cry when I am over emotional... happy, sad, angry, and for today very excited, nervous and happy!  I can't begin to describe my feelings right now.  I really hope I am not a disappointment.  That is my biggest fear. 

Will you smile when you see me?  I'm almost afraid to look at you.  This is so overwhelming.  It's like if I make eye contact with you I might explode.

Today will be your day... our day... to get "re"-acquainted.  I can't see a clock!  I should've got myself a watch. :)  

Being at the hotel last night was strange.  It didn't seem right for me to be there alone.  I hope you like the room.

I am very nervous and beginning to babble!  This letter is supposed to tell you how I was feeling 1 hr. before you got here as my emotions will be crazy in one hour's time.  I'm very scared.  It's kind of a weird scared, like from seeing a ghost.  Right now you are only words on a screen or paper, flat photos and a voice on the phone.  I will be using my other senses with you and it's a feeling I have never felt before.  Scared is the only word I can think of that fits.  I will go check the time now... Yikes! You're getting here sooner than 12:10.  You are scheduled to arrive at 11:51 and it is now 11:19.  1/2 hr. about!  :)  I should remind myself you are probably just as nervous as I am, feeling the same as I am, and you love me just as much as I love you.  I should just chill out and relax!!  11:22. I shouldn't be watching the clock.  It will drive me crazy!  But I don't want you to arrive and have no one to greet  you.  That would suck! :)

I'm going to stop writing babbling :)I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART!!!Yours Forever,Kimberly  xxoo

In addition to writing that letter I also remember hiding behind a pillar because I was afraid of him seeing me before I saw him. From the time it took him landing to making it through the terminal doors it felt like forever; but I stayed glued behind that pillar the entire time. I confessed later and he just thought that was cute. (I think)

Take advantage of today by writing a love letter to your spouse, significant other, kids, BFF, or the elderly neighbor.  Make someones day today.

Monthly Milestones - May

May has been a very difficult month for me; full of pain, drugs and feeling useless and bothersome. My being forced to sit for hours on end cooped up in the house has caused me to dive deeper in this thing they call blogging. It all started over a year ago with my friend Ali’s blog. If you check it out, you will see that she is a very creative and talented photographer who has three of the cutest kids you’ve ever seen. I would visit it every so often and thought this was a clever way to keep loved ones up to date on how everyone was doing. Then my amazing friend Kim introduced me to her blog. It’s just simply about happy thoughts, crafting and friendship. It was those two that gave me the inspiration to 1. Start writing again and 2. Create a blog! So, I went out and picked up Blogging For Dummies and began to think.

My blog was going to be a rant. Simply about stuff that pisses me off. I played with a few topics and then came to the conclusion that this world is already full of negativity. I should follow in the footsteps of Ali and Kim and write of positive happy things. Then it hit me… VERNON! It can be a simple blog about us, how we manage a long distance relationship (LDR) and advice for those in an LDR. I also post about our two cultures, travel, entertainment, pop culture and anything I can think of pertaining to our relationship. It started out kind of slow, I really didn’t know what I was doing. Now, for the month of May I have reached 18 followers and just this month I have written 6 posts. I’ve been trying to think of ways to make my blog better and visiting several new blogs a week, introducing myself and making comments. I’ve managed to pick up a few followers this month and it’s so exciting!

I have a basic goal for June. I hope to have at least two more followers and I will continue to follow new blogs and introduce myself and leave lots of comments. I also thought of a really cool idea to improve my blog that I know Vernon will love, but I’m not going to spoil the surprise right now. You all will see in good time.

Dear Kimberly:

I was honored to have received a question from a college student who has been in an LDR for less than a year. She said my story was inspiring and she wanted advice. If she were my daughter, what would I say? I only know this girl from her very short email and I care for her already. Well, this blog post will be lengthy but this is the advice I gave her. I shall refer to her as "Miss College Student".

Dear Kimberly,
Me and my Bf have been exclusively together for a little less then a year and he asked me to me his gf recently. i know a short time but im in love with him and he says he loves me too ... I guess im drawn to your story because im in college a still have about 2 years left of undergrad and then im off to grad school hoping and praying i get into a school closer to him. My question is what advice can you Give me about making My long distance relationship last for the long haul like yours because it scares me to death to think about loosing him and after reading your background story and your LDR of 11 years im so impressed because everywhere else ive read says LDRs dont work and you give/gave me so much hope any advice you are willing to give me on ANYTHING (especially staying happy when Your SO isn't there with you and to cope with the distance) to do with the whole LDR situation would b much appreciated...
Thank You so much,
Miss College Student

Dear Miss College Student,

First of all, I don't wish anyone to be in an LDR for as long as I have.. it's tough. But, we are both older and have kids and being that we are loving responsible parents, we put our kids first. I don't regret a micro-second of our relationship as he is so very good to me and I wouldn't change a thing except the distance.

First, be sure to put your education first. NEVER sacrifice your education for a relationship, especially one so new. I can't stress that enough. You mentioned that you hope to go to grad school near him, if you were at this particular school, would you still be happy and successful at this school if your relationship didn't work out? You are at the time in your life when you have to put yourself first.

Now, what do we have that unsuccessful relationships don't have?

!. Friendship. We started out as friends. We weren't looking for anything. It just happened. We met online and only communicated in writing and emails and the occasional phone call with a prepaid calling card.( You may not even know what that is. LOL) Before the technology we have today. Amazing how much it has changed in the last 11 years!

2.Respect. He respects who I am, my beliefs, my reasons for not moving out there 9 years ago, my drive to move ahead in my career and the goals I have of constantly bettering myself. He does not want to be the person to hold me back, nor do I want to do that for him. He makes me want to be a better person, and I do the same for him.

3.Trust. This should really be number one. If I call him or log onto Yahoo Instant Messenger and he's not there, my thoughts have never gone to "HE'S WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!" and then grill him the second I see him online again. That will drive you crazy. You need to trust each other. If he is grilling you, there is a trust issue and you need to work that out otherwise you wont last. I had a male friend who I spent an entire summer with and I would tell Vernon everything about it. He eventually told me that he was jealous of this guy because he got to spend so much time with me. I stopped talking about my friend and cut down on spending so much time together with him out of respect for Vernon. I do feel men and women can be friends, but group outings are appropriate where extended one on one time isn't, especially when one or both are in a relationship.

4. Keep things interesting. Just because you are in an LDR doesn't mean you can't do fun things together. This website (www.lovingfromadistance.com) has so many awesome ideas. Vern was down several months ago, I bought a pack of "I LOVE YOU" postcards and sent him one every few days. You get the stamps ahead of time, even if he is international you don't have to mess around with customs documents or weights. Just one stamp and a postcard. It's amazing what that can do! Now with facebook, youtube, skype, your options are limitless.... I created a blog, I make videos, I send him photos and emails and still do the postcard thing. We also Skype on Sundays and I always look nice, I wear his favorite color, and we enjoy each other.

5. Communicate. Communication is very important. I'm lucky to have such a wonderful man who isn't afraid to say what he is feeling and listens to me say what I am feeling. We discuss issues, problems, concerns and share our good days and bad days. Sometimes he is strong for me and then I am strong for him. It's not all flirting and talking about gas prices and weather.

6. Honesty. This is as important as Trust. Vernon was honest with me about how me spending so much time with another single man made him feel. He didn't let it fester and then let it come out in anger. He cannot read your mind, don't expect him to. Men can't do it when they are living with us and they can't do it when far away. I think that is an unfair expectation we put on guys.

7. We promised each other that we would NEVER hang up on the other, disconnect from internet, or refuse to log on or call out of anger. That is damaging and unproductive. It's like couples who go to bed angry and don't talk to each other. If you need a break, discuss it, give yourselves a specific time frame, and reconnect when that time frame is up. If you need more time, set it then. Otherwise one is afraid to reach out to the other because he thinks you are angry or vice versa and you are getting sick because you don't know if you have been dumped.... I think we've only maybe had one disagreement that would qualify as a fight, but I don't think he'd even call it a fight. We didn't sign off angry, we always say "I love you."

8.I've gone on long enough, I love talking about our relationship, but I would have to say Appreciate each other. Don't dwell on the fact that he's not here or you are not there. That part sucks, but you have a special person in your life, and eventually your lives will merge together. I don't know your faith, but I feel God brings people together for a specific purpose and of all the people in the world He brought you two together. You are young, you are going to go to grad school and you can have such a wonderful, high quality life  and still have a long future together. I still have my days where I can't stop crying because I miss him so much. With a 6 hour difference and limited phone contact I can't just pick up the phone and call or text him like couples do when in the same country. You will feel like the luckiest person in the world, and you will feel like everything sucks. I'm not going to lie. But, focus on the big picture, you will get through those sad lonely times focusing on finishing school and planning for your future.

The best of luck to you both. I want to follow your journey and be there for you when things feel like they really really suck. Michelle and Frank (at www.lovingfromadistance.com) are also a wonderful resource for any questions or advice. They are putting education/career first, they are closer to your age, and you may think I'm full of hot air.. I don't know. Not all LDR's end in flames. There are a lot of happy couples on this site. Try to steer clear of any negativity. Also, you will get negativity from those who are close to you. Don't let them cause you doubt. I actually had another male friend tell me I was CRAZY to think that Vernon was being loyal to me, I was just naive. "All men cheat" instead of believing him, I felt sorry for him. He and I are not really friends anymore either. I don't need that kind of negativity in my life. Hang tough! Love yourself! And enjoy your new relationship!

Lots of love,

KimberlyJ

     

Long Distance Relationship Q&A

The site that I am a member of, www.lovingfromadistance.com, has a facebook page. Lately they have been posting a couple questions per day. I have had fun answering them so I thought I would post my answers here.

Q: What guilty pleasure do you have from being in a long distance relationship? (ldr)
A:  I don't have to shave my legs if I don't want to.

Q: Name one thing you like about where your bf lives.
A: The English. I don't know if it's a country wide trait or if it's just a trait the people in the southwest have but everyone makes me feel welcome and they are so very friendly. I'd also have to say that when I visit, it's usually in March/April so here I'm leaving behind blizzards and ice storms and arriving into beautiful weather where there are yellow daffodils EVERYWHERE. When I see yellow daffodils, I think of England.  

Q: What is the last negative thing someone said regarding your bf or your ldr?
A: Well, anyone that knows Vernon would never have anything negative to say about him. He's that kind of man. I do recall an incident where a male friend of mine insisted I was being too naive to assume that Vernon wouldn't be out having sex with other women, because that's what men do, they need sex and they cheat. When he said that to me, all I could feel was sorry for him because he'll never know what it's like to love and trust someone the way we do.

Q: What keeps you and your bf in an ldr?
A: Our kids. He has 2, I have one. We are both single parents and both decided to continue to put our children first. My daughter, and his oldest are only 2 weeks apart. As they go off to school or move out to become independent adults, Vernon and I will think more about our future together and close this long distance gap.

Q: If a novel is written about your ldr, what would the title be?
A: I'm having trouble thinking of one, but when I do I will edit this post and add it. I asked this of Vernon too to see what he would say and he wasn't very helpful either. (Thanks Honey!) :)

Q:How and when did you first tell your bf "I love you"?
A: Wow, I don't remember. Does that make me a bad girlfriend? I'm sure we had to be conversing for at least a year because long before the time that we met in person (2 years) we were in love with each other. I have also been signing letters and emails "Yours Forever" for as long as I can remember. Honey, if you remember the specific "event" please refresh my memory because I would like to know.

Valentine's day 2010. Those heart shaped boxes are full of candy, chocolate and cookies!

Q: Who is more romantic?
A: He is, just when I think I have him figured out and know what to expect, he surprises the crap outta me!



Q: If you could take a snapshot of the mood of your relationship right NOW, describe what it would be in one word.
A: At the time of this question, it was Tuesday, August 3 @ 3:40pm. SERIOUS; we were chatting about taxes, school, kids and work via IM, as noted in my last post.

Q: What was the last holiday or special occasion that you had to spend apart? How did you share that special day together?
A: It was Heidi's graduation. This was a big day not only for her but for me too. High School graduation is a major step in someones life and we both worked really hard to get here. She's been accepted to several Universities but will be attending Western Michigan University, and on a 4 year tuition scholarship. Without that scholarship, she would not be going to college. I wanted Vernon and the kids here. They needed to be here, but asking 3 people to cross 3,500 miles of ocean is not very practical. Instead, Vernon and I went in together and got Heidi a netbook computer. I took several pictures of graduation, her opening the gift and the graduation party so he wouldn't feel like he missed everything.

 

Q: How many relationships have you been in? Is your ldr longer than any of those relationships?

A: I married my first relationship. We met and were divorced within 3 years. Vernon and I met 5 years later and have been together for nearly 11 years.

Q: What was your first impression when you first met your bf?

A: After about a year  we finally exchanged pictures. I had already fallen in love and I didn't know what he looked like.When I saw his picture for the first time I began to cry. His photo was amazing, so handsome and adorable. I thought there is no way he will ever love me, I'm not pretty, especially not enough for him.

Q: What is your sign compatibility? Use http://www.cafeastrology.com/articles/signcompatiblitygrid.html

A: "CLASH" That's funny because we are opposite in so many areas, which is why I think we compliment each other so well.








Q: What do you disagree on?
A: I insist that "pants" are in fact pants, not underwear. I can't bring myself to say "trousers". That is a creepy old man word.

Q: On your first night out to eat together, do you remember what you ordered?
A: He had steak. I may have had chicken, I don't remember. I was so nervous. We were at a bar and grill in downtown Chicago.

Q: If you could travel back in time before you met your bf, what advice would you give yourself?
A: Enroll in a frequent flier plan NOW!

Q: How would you handle it if your bf cheated on you? If it happened long distance, would the distance make it more difficult to regain trust?
A: I don't know what I would do. I've never thought about it because it's something I've never worried about. We both have been hurt in the past.

Q: What is the preferred mode of transportation to visit your bf? How long does it take for you to get there?
A: 4 hours by car to bus station, 2 hours to airport by bus then about 12 hours of flying not including layovers. I go over 24 hours without sleep, but it's well worth it.

Q: Have you ever hid or avoided talking about your ldr to avoid embarrassment or criticism?
A: Yes. People react like it's odd that I'm in a long distance relationship, that we met online and that it's been so long and that it's stupid that I haven't moved there already. I actually had one male friend tell me that I was stupid and naive to think that he wasn't going out and having sex with other women and cheating on me. "Men need sex and that is what they do." I felt sorry for him that he will never know what it's actually like to love and trust someone the way that Vernon and I do.

Q: Do you have nicknames for each other?
A: I call him Honey or Sweetheart. He calls me Sexy Chicken! I love the way he says "Darling" too.

Q: What one thing do you cherish most from your bf?
A: Years ago he sent me a cross necklace. I loved it. Was stolen when we had our break in a year ago, but I'll never forget it.

Q: How many days have you been with your bf?
A: As of 7/27/2010 3pm - 3,964 days.

Q: If you were offered a free life sized cut out of your bf would you accept it?
A: YES! I love looking at him.

Q: What was the last thing you or your bf sent each other in the mail?
A: Postcards. I got them to cheer him up and sent them quite often.

Q: Where is your dream vacation spot?
A: We've always wanted to go somewhere hot and sandy.


Q: How many people do you know who are in an ldr?
A: None

Q: If you could have only 24 hours with your bf, how would you spend your time together?
A: Tee Hee.... next question...

Q: How many visits have you had with your bf? Which one is the most memorable?
A: Six visits totaling 11 weeks in the last 10 years, 10months. Our very first visit in Chicago is the most memorable for me.

Q: Name one thing that makes your bf more special than anyone.
A: He accepts everything about me, doesn't try to change me, and brings the best out of me. I never feel like I have to prove myself or try to make him happy.

Loving From A Distance - You Guys Rock!

I am dedicating this blog post to the folks at www.lovingfromadistance.com .  I have been following them on Facebook and Twitter for a while but I finally signed up and have been looking around in the forums, blogs, groups and shop.  I love it!  I have been in this relationship for so long, and I have had no support other than Vernon.  No one understands, sometimes I even feel like people think I'm making him up.  No one sees him as my equal partner. I don't talk about him really except with those very special friends who have actually met him, and complete strangers. Anyone that has met him thinks he's wonderful.

I have really enjoyed this site, reading about people with a variety of concerns, questions, celebrations and I feel myself celebrating with them.  I think a long distance relationship (LDR) is a wonderful thing. If you can survive through an LDR you can survive anything. It teaches you patience, understanding, appreciation and loyalty. You have so many opportunities to lie, cheat, accuse the other of the same, take a line in an email to mean something negative when in fact it was said in humor... it is a challenge. I hope to connect with people in a new LDR and people that have been in an LDR for several years. I have yet to find someone who has been in one as long as ours, and  if you are that person reading my blog please come forward as I am so interested in hearing your story!

I have managed this LDR with Vernon for nearly 11 years. It has become second nature, a part of my life, who I am. He is my other half and he just happens to not be here with me. We both have adjusted while still having our bad days apart, but overall I think we handle it better than we did 5 years ago.  I will be going through a major life change very soon and I have been dreading it for so long.  My baby girl, the girl I have raised by myself since she was almost 2, the baby girl who I feel I "grew up with" is now going to leave for college in one month.
She has been my strength, my reason for living, my reason for making the decisions I have made on anything, my reason for being in an LDR for over 10 years.  She is my #1 and always will be.  We are so close and do everything together.

We even have our own language which drives other family members and friends crazy. We have obsessions like Jackie Chan movies, Charmed, Gilmore Girls (it's so much like us it's freaky! lol), and most recently Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We are still working on season 7 and it's getting pretty dark and scary and intense.  Anyway, she's my best friend and she's going to be leaving me.  Don't get me wrong, I want her to go off to college, see the world, reach her goals... if that meant never seeing me again then so be it, as long as she is happy.  But... I will miss her. I will be sad without her and that will put my LDR at a different level that will make me feel like I'm starting over again. I'll have one of those sad days missing Vernon and instead of coming home to my wonderful daughter who will take my mind off of my misery, I will be coming home to an empty house to torture myself with my thoughts of misery and loneliness. I will now be maintaining TWO LDR's and it's gonna suck.  Vernon understands this and will be the most wonderful partner that he always ends up being and will put up with my adjustment as I will be very emotional for a while.

I want to thank Michelle and Frank for starting www.lovingfromadistance.com for people like Vernon and I.  I now have a place to go to express my feelings without being judged when Vernon and my daughter are not available. If you haven't checked this site out, click on the badge at the top of this post, or the link on the right. There is something for everyone in there.   You guys rock!