Loving From A Distance - You Guys Rock!

I am dedicating this blog post to the folks at www.lovingfromadistance.com .  I have been following them on Facebook and Twitter for a while but I finally signed up and have been looking around in the forums, blogs, groups and shop.  I love it!  I have been in this relationship for so long, and I have had no support other than Vernon.  No one understands, sometimes I even feel like people think I'm making him up.  No one sees him as my equal partner. I don't talk about him really except with those very special friends who have actually met him, and complete strangers. Anyone that has met him thinks he's wonderful.

I have really enjoyed this site, reading about people with a variety of concerns, questions, celebrations and I feel myself celebrating with them.  I think a long distance relationship (LDR) is a wonderful thing. If you can survive through an LDR you can survive anything. It teaches you patience, understanding, appreciation and loyalty. You have so many opportunities to lie, cheat, accuse the other of the same, take a line in an email to mean something negative when in fact it was said in humor... it is a challenge. I hope to connect with people in a new LDR and people that have been in an LDR for several years. I have yet to find someone who has been in one as long as ours, and  if you are that person reading my blog please come forward as I am so interested in hearing your story!

I have managed this LDR with Vernon for nearly 11 years. It has become second nature, a part of my life, who I am. He is my other half and he just happens to not be here with me. We both have adjusted while still having our bad days apart, but overall I think we handle it better than we did 5 years ago.  I will be going through a major life change very soon and I have been dreading it for so long.  My baby girl, the girl I have raised by myself since she was almost 2, the baby girl who I feel I "grew up with" is now going to leave for college in one month.
She has been my strength, my reason for living, my reason for making the decisions I have made on anything, my reason for being in an LDR for over 10 years.  She is my #1 and always will be.  We are so close and do everything together.

We even have our own language which drives other family members and friends crazy. We have obsessions like Jackie Chan movies, Charmed, Gilmore Girls (it's so much like us it's freaky! lol), and most recently Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We are still working on season 7 and it's getting pretty dark and scary and intense.  Anyway, she's my best friend and she's going to be leaving me.  Don't get me wrong, I want her to go off to college, see the world, reach her goals... if that meant never seeing me again then so be it, as long as she is happy.  But... I will miss her. I will be sad without her and that will put my LDR at a different level that will make me feel like I'm starting over again. I'll have one of those sad days missing Vernon and instead of coming home to my wonderful daughter who will take my mind off of my misery, I will be coming home to an empty house to torture myself with my thoughts of misery and loneliness. I will now be maintaining TWO LDR's and it's gonna suck.  Vernon understands this and will be the most wonderful partner that he always ends up being and will put up with my adjustment as I will be very emotional for a while.

I want to thank Michelle and Frank for starting www.lovingfromadistance.com for people like Vernon and I.  I now have a place to go to express my feelings without being judged when Vernon and my daughter are not available. If you haven't checked this site out, click on the badge at the top of this post, or the link on the right. There is something for everyone in there.   You guys rock!

There is missing you and then there is MISSING YOU.

Things have been crazy busy for me this summer getting the kid ready for college.  First it's a full weekend of graduation and then the party 4 hours from home.  Then we had to make a trip down to fabulous Kalamazoo for a 2 day orientation, with 2 days of travel and an extra day for just hanging out.  It gets expensive and I'm using up my vacation time pretty quick.  I don't remember to check my email or even log on to the computer because I'm out of my normal routine.  The norm is chatting nearly every day with Vernon, sending occasional emails and Facebook or Picassa updates. When I'm away from the computer, It's as if I've left him behind.  I miss him in a different way.  I don't know how to explain it.  We joke about the day when we are finally united and we wont know how to function together.  He'll get home from work and sit down at the computer and I'll be in the next room on another computer and we'll chat to each other.  Crazy, I know. My recent adventures have been so jam packed with information, excitement, stress, and interesting stuff.  This thing with me being a parent of a high school graduate is new to me, I need Vernon to help me cope and celebrate, but I'm not even logged into the computer.  I always tell him before I go anywhere.  We made a promise to each other that we would not avoid logging into the computer for more than 3 days no matter if we are upset with each other (which has never happened, I don't think) or if we are busy.  When I didn't hear from Vernon for 3 days, I worried.  I've worried things like he's mad at me, he's sick, he's had an accident, all the worst... I'm a worrier.  It's always the work schedule, he has a demanding job.  When his job is extra demanding, I'll get a quick short email just saying that he loves me, and I'm happy with that.  I want him to take care of himself, I want him to give his kids the attention that they need, I want him to be happy and not worry about me, but I do need to hear that he is still alive if it's going to be 3 days.  Today is Friday, he's usually there on Fridays.  But... work has been tough, he's had a recent minor injury and I know his son is coming home for a visit sometime soon, so I'm not worried. Well, I worry about his injury, but I know overall he's fine.  I'll try calling him Sunday afternoon (evening his time) and if he's not in, we'll catch up on Monday as he usually does after a long weekend of no contact.  I constantly miss him, but I miss him in a different way when we don't communicate for several days.

It's amazing how he can read my mood just from chatting.  With all the stress of getting the kid ready for school, I've been very emotional and moody. Sometimes we are both moody and tired which makes for a very brief and uneventful conversation.  We don't fight, we just don't say very much.  The last time we chatted, he was extra attentive.  It was wonderful.  He was unusually talkative, flirty, spunky.  I liked it.  I needed that. He picked up my crappy mood and made me smile.  He's very intuitive to my needs and feelings and this is over the computer.  Whew, I'm babbling and falling asleep. I'll try to post more often, things are so crazy for me right now.  Have a great weekend!

Good Days and Bad Days

I don't recognize the person in this photo.  I know it's me, but I don't recognize her as me.  Normally I try to be as invisible as I can in front of the camera.  But... when Vern is the one taking the photos, I enjoy having my photo taken.  I smile, I feel beautiful and I have fun.  Also, when I am having photos taken of me just for Vern, I enjoy those too.  Like when he sends me a gift or he's been begging me for some more photos.  I also make a point to wear red, he likes me in red, and he loves my eyes.  My world completely disappears when he's looking directly into my eyes.  Whew!  Anyway, back to the photo... it was taken in England.  To be honest, I don't remember where, Portland Bill is my educated guess... and I'd have to do some math to remember the year.  I do remember being very insistent on finding a small replica of the Portland Bill lighthouse for my mom, and I wasn't going to leave until I found one.  Thank goodness I found one.

Well, the title of this post is good days and bad days.  That is because I have had both lately.  My lovely daughter just graduated from high school.  She's an amazing kid, very creative, beautiful, loving, funny, mature, but really has to work at her grades.  Her graduating was a major milestone that made me cry and shake to the point of not being able to take a decent photo of her during the graduation ceremony.  I really wanted Vern and the kids there.  They are part of our family and this is a celebratory occasion when they should be here.  It's not a practical request in this situation, but I'm human and I want my way and I really wanted them here.  There have been many times when I felt this way about being there... like when Vernon gets very sick or when he injured himself this past winter, and when his kids have those usual teen moments where they or dad need that extra support.  It just isn't practical.  I took lots of photos for Vern and the kids to see, so he doesn't feel like he missed anything.  He moans at me when there aren't any of me, so I made sure others used my camera and took a few pics.  Work has been going well too, I come home with so much to talk about but he's not here.

Today was a bad day.  I became frustrated early in the day and it got worse from there.  I came home and had lunch with my daughter which was nice, and then my afternoon really dragged after that.  On my way home I started to cry.  I don't think I actually had a good reason, it was just one of those days, maybe I have PMS... I don't really keep track but it's possible.  Regardless, I was sad and needed Vernon.  As I was in tears I was thinking that Vern is nuts to love someone as emotional as me.  He knows how I get and he's seen and heard me cry.  I even tell him if I'm crying while we are chatting.  I have to be myself around him.  I like to be myself around him.  He doesn't mind the emotions.  He accepts everything about me.  I did come home to a cheerful girl who was happy to see me and my mood changed quickly.  But then my thoughts moved to the days when she will be off to college and I'll really be alone on days like this.  I wanted to cry again but didn't. Over the winter months Vernon went through a bit of a sad slump that he just couldn't shake.  To help him out of that I found a pack of these awesome postcards on Amazon.com and sent him a couple a week.  He seemed to enjoy them.  I was determined to cheer him up.  He also comes home to a cheerful daughter, and he wont be shipping her off to school for some time so he's good for a while.

I look forward to the days when I can come home and celebrate a successful day with him, or give him the heads up when I'm having a bad day and he greets me with hugs and ice cream when I get home.

Unconditional

Unconditional Love is when he knows your faults and loves you anyway.

Thank you Vernon, I don't know what I would do without you.

Happy Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day today!  I woke up my daughter at 8:30 this morning and told her I wanted to go out for breakfast.  I like the buffet at Country Kitchen and they always do something special for Mother's Day.  Of course, the teenager was very cranky with me for waking her up... but I reminded her that it was Mother's Day and that helped a little.  Well, by 10:30 my lovely girl and I were enjoying our brunch, she had a very nice hand made card for me and we had an awesome morning!  I'm lucky to have a girl like her.  She had prom last night and looked absolutely gorgeous, and yesterday morning we went on an early road trip to go shopping and we "car seat danced" and sang the entire way. After brunch we window shopped at the shopping center that passes for a mall in our area, then came home to relax and enjoy the rest of our day. I logged on to Facebook and I had a note there from Vernon's daughter wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.  She is a 13yr old beautiful girl who is very close to her dad.  I miss her very much. I want to teach and guide her as an adult female role model should, but it's so difficult with me being so far away.  Her laughter is contagious and her smile is amazing.  I love her very much and I fall in love with Vernon more and more when I see him with her and listen/read when he's gushing about her accomplishments.  Sometimes I have to help him with some of the female stuff, but overall, for a dad, he does ok.  He also has a son the same age as my daughter and for a while he's been going through a rough patch.  Vernon has been stressed and I have been as supportive as possible.  I've cried and worried because I should be with Vernon helping him out and supporting him, but, all of a sudden, his son is becoming the responsible young man that we knew he had the capabilities of being.  Vernon and I just have to keep loving him and supporting him while he finds himself as most teenagers need to do as they become adults.  I'll be sending mine off to college in the fall.  I'm scared and nervous about the entire transition. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to handle the separation. To be honest, I wish Vern was here to help me with this overwhelming task but it's something I have to do on my own.

Back on the topic of Mother's Day, I love my mom. She is helping me get through so much lately with planning the graduation party and visiting me when I'm feeling overwhelmed.  She's always been loving and supportive and I have been so very lucky.  Another mom who means alot to me is my English mum.  She is simply the English version of my mom.  When I am around her I couldn't feel more loved or accepted as a guest, and as her son's partner.  I miss my family when I am visiting in England, but Vernon's family makes it so easy for me to not be as homesick.  Also, when I am here, I miss her very much.  I miss her hugs and the way she says my name.  I'm crying right now just thinking of her.  She loves her son so very much.  She does things for him just as my mom does things for me.  And... Our moms never ask for anything in return.  We are both so lucky to be blessed with the moms that we have.  And my mom loves Vernon. She's tearfull when he visits and it is time for him to leave.  I hope he feels as special here as I do there.

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms in my life.  You deserve to be celebrated.     

Tories, Labors and Liberal Dems; OH MY!

With all the hubub over the UK elections, I've been trying to pay attention with much interest. On our last phone call Vernon was explaining to me the similarities between 2 of their parties to our Republicans and Democrats.  He answered my questions no matter how stupid they were.  Politics confuse me a bit, mostly because it's all placing blame and empty promises.... so I avoid it at all costs.  I could listen to him all day.  It's probably a combination of his willingness and enjoyment of teaching me something from his world and his hot hot accent which I have mentioned before.  I love it when he explains things to me.  Today we were chatting and he was telling me all about the elections and the different parties and what everyone is promising and what changes need to be made and what people want, you know, pretty much the same thing here.  He never really types very much, (unless he's talking Linux to me) but today he was typing paragraphs and paragraphs to help me understand what's going on in the UK regarding the elections.  I appreciate that very much.  I love that about our chats and conversations, we can discuss politics or how our day went or what's for dinner and feel like we've had a great conversation.  He could easily blow me off, tell me he doesn't feel like talking about it, just say he doesn't know, or put me down for being annoying.  Never.

Missing You Like Crazy

I had a long day at work yesterday. It started with a list of tasks and projects and everything got put on hold to troubleshoot an issue that came up. I manage the company's CRM and it is very user friendly. Glitches are something that just don't happen with this product. I had users telling me the site had a glitch, but I'm 98% sure that it was user error. I had to fix the problem and it took me the rest of the afternoon. As I made my corrections, evidence consisting of what I would call an electronic 'paper trail' proves that this was all user error. HA! When it comes to this CRM I know my stuff!

Around lunch hour, up pops my honey. Ha ha, you could take that a number of ways... but I'm talking IM. ;) We chat a few times a week. His job keeps him very busy so he's unable to chat every day. Some days are much busier than others for me, as while I'm chatting I'm doing other things. I'm the multi-tasking queen. Some days I end up neglecting him but he's very understanding because he knows I'm at work. Sometimes I forget he's on, which is TERRIBLE of me, but I'll get pulled away from my desk or get caught up in a phone call. It's not like he's ever distracted by 'Dr. Who', 'Top Gear' or that evening's movie. {insert sarcasm here} . As always, he asked me how my day was going. He's always interested in what's going on at work. Here is how that part of our conversation went.

V: how is my sexy girl?
K: lets just say, that if i were coming home to you tonight, i would insist that we order take out and then watch a funny movie with you curled up on the sofa of course. My brain is fried today.

It would have been a perfect night to go home to him with carry out for dinner and we would put on our comfy clothes, eat in front of the TV then curl up on the sofa with a funny movie. That would be perfect therapy for me. Instead, I did go home after work, sat in the truck and had a good cry before making it into the house to make a wonderful taco dinner for my daughter and the evening turned out to be very nice. My girl has a way of doing that for me.

Today was Vernon's day off, what he calls his "Fifth Day". I set my alarm for 6am to give him a call. I always try to call him on his day off since it is only noon over there. Well, I called again and again and he was not home. I knew he had lots to do, like look for blinds for the kitchen door and he likes to visit his parents, and he also spends quality time with his daughter so I wasn't surprised when he didn't answer the phone. I was feeling uneasy and full of anxiety this morning and really needed to talk to him, but I knew he'd be online later because yesterday he said he would be.

I'm feeling panicked and full of anxiety today. I had trouble focusing at work and feeling the physical effects of my stress. My daughter's graduation is in less than a month. I have yet to get out the invitations, order her gift, and finances are very tight. I have good months and bad months, why does this month have to be a bad month? Next month is orientation. We still have so much to do and plan for. I want it to be perfect. She deserves a perfect graduation party. I'm telling Vernon about my feelings, my worries, and how this stress today is affecting me. I could tell he was very worried, sad, and really wanted to help me. I need him on days like this. I cried again today but had to pull myself together because I was at work and I didn't want anyone to see me crying. It's days like this that make me angry that we are so far apart, I miss him so much and I get so tired of struggling with everything by myself day in and day out. I feel alone but then he tells me he loves me and I feel so much better. I remember what I am feeling is temporary and mostly because of the frustration of planning this graduation party and fearing the empty nest, not to mention my daughter, who is my best friend, will be moving 10 hours away from me in the fall. I'm still having trouble focusing so I'm sorry if this seems a bit scattered.

I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful understanding man make me feel so loved and cared for.