Dear Kimberly:

I was honored to have received a question from a college student who has been in an LDR for less than a year. She said my story was inspiring and she wanted advice. If she were my daughter, what would I say? I only know this girl from her very short email and I care for her already. Well, this blog post will be lengthy but this is the advice I gave her. I shall refer to her as "Miss College Student".

Dear Kimberly,
Me and my Bf have been exclusively together for a little less then a year and he asked me to me his gf recently. i know a short time but im in love with him and he says he loves me too ... I guess im drawn to your story because im in college a still have about 2 years left of undergrad and then im off to grad school hoping and praying i get into a school closer to him. My question is what advice can you Give me about making My long distance relationship last for the long haul like yours because it scares me to death to think about loosing him and after reading your background story and your LDR of 11 years im so impressed because everywhere else ive read says LDRs dont work and you give/gave me so much hope any advice you are willing to give me on ANYTHING (especially staying happy when Your SO isn't there with you and to cope with the distance) to do with the whole LDR situation would b much appreciated...
Thank You so much,
Miss College Student

Dear Miss College Student,

First of all, I don't wish anyone to be in an LDR for as long as I have.. it's tough. But, we are both older and have kids and being that we are loving responsible parents, we put our kids first. I don't regret a micro-second of our relationship as he is so very good to me and I wouldn't change a thing except the distance.

First, be sure to put your education first. NEVER sacrifice your education for a relationship, especially one so new. I can't stress that enough. You mentioned that you hope to go to grad school near him, if you were at this particular school, would you still be happy and successful at this school if your relationship didn't work out? You are at the time in your life when you have to put yourself first.

Now, what do we have that unsuccessful relationships don't have?

!. Friendship. We started out as friends. We weren't looking for anything. It just happened. We met online and only communicated in writing and emails and the occasional phone call with a prepaid calling card.( You may not even know what that is. LOL) Before the technology we have today. Amazing how much it has changed in the last 11 years!

2.Respect. He respects who I am, my beliefs, my reasons for not moving out there 9 years ago, my drive to move ahead in my career and the goals I have of constantly bettering myself. He does not want to be the person to hold me back, nor do I want to do that for him. He makes me want to be a better person, and I do the same for him.

3.Trust. This should really be number one. If I call him or log onto Yahoo Instant Messenger and he's not there, my thoughts have never gone to "HE'S WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!" and then grill him the second I see him online again. That will drive you crazy. You need to trust each other. If he is grilling you, there is a trust issue and you need to work that out otherwise you wont last. I had a male friend who I spent an entire summer with and I would tell Vernon everything about it. He eventually told me that he was jealous of this guy because he got to spend so much time with me. I stopped talking about my friend and cut down on spending so much time together with him out of respect for Vernon. I do feel men and women can be friends, but group outings are appropriate where extended one on one time isn't, especially when one or both are in a relationship.

4. Keep things interesting. Just because you are in an LDR doesn't mean you can't do fun things together. This website (www.lovingfromadistance.com) has so many awesome ideas. Vern was down several months ago, I bought a pack of "I LOVE YOU" postcards and sent him one every few days. You get the stamps ahead of time, even if he is international you don't have to mess around with customs documents or weights. Just one stamp and a postcard. It's amazing what that can do! Now with facebook, youtube, skype, your options are limitless.... I created a blog, I make videos, I send him photos and emails and still do the postcard thing. We also Skype on Sundays and I always look nice, I wear his favorite color, and we enjoy each other.

5. Communicate. Communication is very important. I'm lucky to have such a wonderful man who isn't afraid to say what he is feeling and listens to me say what I am feeling. We discuss issues, problems, concerns and share our good days and bad days. Sometimes he is strong for me and then I am strong for him. It's not all flirting and talking about gas prices and weather.

6. Honesty. This is as important as Trust. Vernon was honest with me about how me spending so much time with another single man made him feel. He didn't let it fester and then let it come out in anger. He cannot read your mind, don't expect him to. Men can't do it when they are living with us and they can't do it when far away. I think that is an unfair expectation we put on guys.

7. We promised each other that we would NEVER hang up on the other, disconnect from internet, or refuse to log on or call out of anger. That is damaging and unproductive. It's like couples who go to bed angry and don't talk to each other. If you need a break, discuss it, give yourselves a specific time frame, and reconnect when that time frame is up. If you need more time, set it then. Otherwise one is afraid to reach out to the other because he thinks you are angry or vice versa and you are getting sick because you don't know if you have been dumped.... I think we've only maybe had one disagreement that would qualify as a fight, but I don't think he'd even call it a fight. We didn't sign off angry, we always say "I love you."

8.I've gone on long enough, I love talking about our relationship, but I would have to say Appreciate each other. Don't dwell on the fact that he's not here or you are not there. That part sucks, but you have a special person in your life, and eventually your lives will merge together. I don't know your faith, but I feel God brings people together for a specific purpose and of all the people in the world He brought you two together. You are young, you are going to go to grad school and you can have such a wonderful, high quality life  and still have a long future together. I still have my days where I can't stop crying because I miss him so much. With a 6 hour difference and limited phone contact I can't just pick up the phone and call or text him like couples do when in the same country. You will feel like the luckiest person in the world, and you will feel like everything sucks. I'm not going to lie. But, focus on the big picture, you will get through those sad lonely times focusing on finishing school and planning for your future.

The best of luck to you both. I want to follow your journey and be there for you when things feel like they really really suck. Michelle and Frank (at www.lovingfromadistance.com) are also a wonderful resource for any questions or advice. They are putting education/career first, they are closer to your age, and you may think I'm full of hot air.. I don't know. Not all LDR's end in flames. There are a lot of happy couples on this site. Try to steer clear of any negativity. Also, you will get negativity from those who are close to you. Don't let them cause you doubt. I actually had another male friend tell me I was CRAZY to think that Vernon was being loyal to me, I was just naive. "All men cheat" instead of believing him, I felt sorry for him. He and I are not really friends anymore either. I don't need that kind of negativity in my life. Hang tough! Love yourself! And enjoy your new relationship!

Lots of love,

KimberlyJ

     

Happy Valentine's Day to Me!

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man like Vernon. He spoils me every year for Valentines Day, just when I think I know what to expect he throws me something I do not expect. And I never expected this!

I Have To Leave Him Again.

I'm going to San Francisco on business. Instead of being only 6 time zones apart we will be 8. I will also be on the go from early morning until late at night. I hope to get some fun stuff squeezed in to the small windows of free time that I will have. I miss Vernon every day, but when I have to be "away" from him for more than 2 days it's very difficult for me. I will be sure to remember to send him updates via email, facebook, and this blog. He's always wanted to visit San Francisco, and I hate that I've been there without him. The first time I got the grand tour by my cousin which was super awesome. Vernon asked me to take lots of pictures, which is what we do when we go somewhere different. We take the other along, we look at things the way we think the other would see them, we share as much as we can. One day, he and I will go to San Francisco and see these sights together.

Butterflies

He gives me butterflies. I have told him that since the very beginning. Thoughts of him make me smile and blush and I get that feeling in my stomach that I never want to end. He jokes about it and tells me that he's probably making me nauseous, but that's not it. It's butterflies. He told me he kept hearing this song on the radio and it makes him think of me, but he hasn't really paid attention to the lyrics. Well, I looked this up on YouTube and it made me cry. I listened to it several times and it still makes me cry. What a pretty song, sung by such a pretty girl. I just love it! Thank you for making me feel so special Vernon. You give me butterflies!
          

Goolies Are What?!?!

I have a hot manly boyfriend! And he can change a tire in 5 minutes! WHEW!


We were chatting on Skype and like a man, his eyes wander above the computer and to the TV. I just watch him for a bit and finally ask,
"What are you watching?"
"Uh.... it's hard to explain."
(What???)
"What do you mean it's hard to explain?"
"OK, you know the show 'Top Gear'?"
"Yes"
"Well, it's kind of like that, but it's not. There is this overweight man who is trying to change a wheel, he has to change it in 15 minutes but he's already going on 35."
I'm thinking what a stupid show. Then Vernon tells me about the time he got a flat.
"One should be able to change a wheel in 10 minutes, I have changed one in 5."
"5 minutes? You changed a tire in 5 minutes? Why would you change it so fast?"
"I was on my way to work. It's all about being organized."
Wow, my man can change a tire in 5 minutes, and he says it's about being organized. I was laughing, carrying on over my sexy man being able to change a tire in 5 minutes. Then he adds...
"And I take my shirt off when I do it."
WOOOOO HOOOOOOO! I got all giggly and jumpy and my face was all red and it was getting really warm. He's so funny and so cute at the same time. We were having fun being silly, laughing and flirting, but I'm still amazed that my man can change a tire so fast.
During the call Vern likes to relax, sit back and enjoy the conversation. Sometimes he sits with his hands up behind his head. I love it when he sits that way, I miss his arms. Sounds odd but I really love his arms. He was wearing a white t-shirt, and I love him in white. It contrasts with his skin. I got all worked up as his sleeves pulled tight around his arms and all he was doing was relaxing. He looked at me like I was nuts. I told him I liked his arms, i wanted to see more biceps. I think I embarrassed him, then he grabs the Spongebob Squarepants pillow and extends Spongebob's arm, "There, that's my arm." It was funny!
We got to talking about hockey. I was explaining how Heidi has been going to hockey games at school. Of course, when Americans talk about hockey we are speaking of the great big toothless brutes who knock the shit out of each other on the ice. Vernon is thinking of girls in short skirts in a field... hey wait a minute, lol... then I said, "I think Heidi likes it when the players crash up against the plexiglass." there was a pause and he was like, "Ooooh, you are talking about ice hockey." I said, "Of course! Not that sissy hockey. We live in the mid-west. It's only ice hockey here." Then I went on to explain how the players don't really have anything protecting their faces, except for the goalies... Then Vernon interrupts me,
"What did you say?"
"What."
"Did you say goolies?"
"Huh?"
"Goolies?"
"Not ghoulies, GOALIES"
I thought this conversation was pretty silly, but then it got sillier... Vernon then said,
"Goolies are men's tackle"
"What?!?!? Hahahaha!"
"Goolies are men's tackle"
Ok, that's just hilarious. By then I was just laughing hysterically and giggling and crying all at the same time.

I love his sense of humor, I love how he makes me laugh. He's so intelligent and witty and being English doesn't hurt either.

Love Songs and Seriousness

I was thinking of songs today. A friend posted the song "When You Say Nothing At All" from the movie "Notting Hill". There were clips of the movie with the song as well. It just so happens that this movie is a favorite of mine and Vernon's. Also, this song is
wonderful. My baby girl is in college and she took the DVD player but I have "Notting Hill" on VHS so it's all good.


Vernon and I had a serious chat today. I'd rather we didn't have to have talks like this but it is necessary. We have been together for 11 years (this month!) and when I have a purchase to make, a problem, a decision coming up, or just happy wonderful news, I run it by Vernon. I get his input, advice and feedback. He does the same with me. He is going through a very difficult time right now and I was very honest and firm and it made me sad but it had to be done. I always risk having him get mad at me, (although I don't think he's ever been mad at me), when I am honest with him and we  
don't exactly see eye to eye. I don't think he would ask me for my opinion or input if he wanted me to just smile and agree with him, so I tell him how I feel and what I think. But, no matter what the problem, no matter what our views are and if he follows my advice or not, I support him completely and trust that he is making the right decision. It's times like this I wish I could be there to help him through this, sit up with him at night and let him talk things over, and use me as a sounding board. I would rub his shoulders, make him his late night hot chocolate or tea and tell him that everything will be OK.

You would think I'd be used to this already!

We usually only chat and send emails because of our work schedules and the time zone difference. I got a house phone with an international plan with the intent on calling Vernon every weekend, but that has been difficult with my busy schedule with Heidi. This Labor Day weekend we spoke twice, and got out the web cams to video chat. We both have lots going on and had a lot to talk about, then I just took a good look at Vernon. I could see him from the chest up, he was sitting on his sofa, and he was tired. I just started to cry. He looked so handsome and so comfortable and I could almost smell the laundry detergent in his t-shirt and I just wanted to hug him and I couldn't. That's all I wanted, just one quick hug. I'm not used to seeing him in between visits and it's difficult. I should be used to this, but just when I think I'm ok with the long distance relationship thing, it really really sucks and I cry and cry and cry. It's difficult hearing him tell me that I'm cute and beautiful and sexy, but I love it so much. I don't want it to stop, because when I'm with him I feel that I am all of those things. He looks at me like I'm the only woman in the world, and he get's this sweet smile on his face like I'm amusing him with a joke or a story and I'm not even doing or saying anything.  I don't want that to stop either. It's so difficult saying goodbye and I'm crying right now just thinking about it. Now that Heidi is off to college, I'll have more free Sundays and I can get used to seeing him and talking to him more often. I can't imagine my life without him, even if he is 3,500 miles away.