Good Days and Bad Days

I don't recognize the person in this photo.  I know it's me, but I don't recognize her as me.  Normally I try to be as invisible as I can in front of the camera.  But... when Vern is the one taking the photos, I enjoy having my photo taken.  I smile, I feel beautiful and I have fun.  Also, when I am having photos taken of me just for Vern, I enjoy those too.  Like when he sends me a gift or he's been begging me for some more photos.  I also make a point to wear red, he likes me in red, and he loves my eyes.  My world completely disappears when he's looking directly into my eyes.  Whew!  Anyway, back to the photo... it was taken in England.  To be honest, I don't remember where, Portland Bill is my educated guess... and I'd have to do some math to remember the year.  I do remember being very insistent on finding a small replica of the Portland Bill lighthouse for my mom, and I wasn't going to leave until I found one.  Thank goodness I found one.

Well, the title of this post is good days and bad days.  That is because I have had both lately.  My lovely daughter just graduated from high school.  She's an amazing kid, very creative, beautiful, loving, funny, mature, but really has to work at her grades.  Her graduating was a major milestone that made me cry and shake to the point of not being able to take a decent photo of her during the graduation ceremony.  I really wanted Vern and the kids there.  They are part of our family and this is a celebratory occasion when they should be here.  It's not a practical request in this situation, but I'm human and I want my way and I really wanted them here.  There have been many times when I felt this way about being there... like when Vernon gets very sick or when he injured himself this past winter, and when his kids have those usual teen moments where they or dad need that extra support.  It just isn't practical.  I took lots of photos for Vern and the kids to see, so he doesn't feel like he missed anything.  He moans at me when there aren't any of me, so I made sure others used my camera and took a few pics.  Work has been going well too, I come home with so much to talk about but he's not here.

Today was a bad day.  I became frustrated early in the day and it got worse from there.  I came home and had lunch with my daughter which was nice, and then my afternoon really dragged after that.  On my way home I started to cry.  I don't think I actually had a good reason, it was just one of those days, maybe I have PMS... I don't really keep track but it's possible.  Regardless, I was sad and needed Vernon.  As I was in tears I was thinking that Vern is nuts to love someone as emotional as me.  He knows how I get and he's seen and heard me cry.  I even tell him if I'm crying while we are chatting.  I have to be myself around him.  I like to be myself around him.  He doesn't mind the emotions.  He accepts everything about me.  I did come home to a cheerful girl who was happy to see me and my mood changed quickly.  But then my thoughts moved to the days when she will be off to college and I'll really be alone on days like this.  I wanted to cry again but didn't. Over the winter months Vernon went through a bit of a sad slump that he just couldn't shake.  To help him out of that I found a pack of these awesome postcards on Amazon.com and sent him a couple a week.  He seemed to enjoy them.  I was determined to cheer him up.  He also comes home to a cheerful daughter, and he wont be shipping her off to school for some time so he's good for a while.

I look forward to the days when I can come home and celebrate a successful day with him, or give him the heads up when I'm having a bad day and he greets me with hugs and ice cream when I get home.

Unconditional

Unconditional Love is when he knows your faults and loves you anyway.

Thank you Vernon, I don't know what I would do without you.

Happy Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day today!  I woke up my daughter at 8:30 this morning and told her I wanted to go out for breakfast.  I like the buffet at Country Kitchen and they always do something special for Mother's Day.  Of course, the teenager was very cranky with me for waking her up... but I reminded her that it was Mother's Day and that helped a little.  Well, by 10:30 my lovely girl and I were enjoying our brunch, she had a very nice hand made card for me and we had an awesome morning!  I'm lucky to have a girl like her.  She had prom last night and looked absolutely gorgeous, and yesterday morning we went on an early road trip to go shopping and we "car seat danced" and sang the entire way. After brunch we window shopped at the shopping center that passes for a mall in our area, then came home to relax and enjoy the rest of our day. I logged on to Facebook and I had a note there from Vernon's daughter wishing me a Happy Mother's Day.  She is a 13yr old beautiful girl who is very close to her dad.  I miss her very much. I want to teach and guide her as an adult female role model should, but it's so difficult with me being so far away.  Her laughter is contagious and her smile is amazing.  I love her very much and I fall in love with Vernon more and more when I see him with her and listen/read when he's gushing about her accomplishments.  Sometimes I have to help him with some of the female stuff, but overall, for a dad, he does ok.  He also has a son the same age as my daughter and for a while he's been going through a rough patch.  Vernon has been stressed and I have been as supportive as possible.  I've cried and worried because I should be with Vernon helping him out and supporting him, but, all of a sudden, his son is becoming the responsible young man that we knew he had the capabilities of being.  Vernon and I just have to keep loving him and supporting him while he finds himself as most teenagers need to do as they become adults.  I'll be sending mine off to college in the fall.  I'm scared and nervous about the entire transition. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to handle the separation. To be honest, I wish Vern was here to help me with this overwhelming task but it's something I have to do on my own.

Back on the topic of Mother's Day, I love my mom. She is helping me get through so much lately with planning the graduation party and visiting me when I'm feeling overwhelmed.  She's always been loving and supportive and I have been so very lucky.  Another mom who means alot to me is my English mum.  She is simply the English version of my mom.  When I am around her I couldn't feel more loved or accepted as a guest, and as her son's partner.  I miss my family when I am visiting in England, but Vernon's family makes it so easy for me to not be as homesick.  Also, when I am here, I miss her very much.  I miss her hugs and the way she says my name.  I'm crying right now just thinking of her.  She loves her son so very much.  She does things for him just as my mom does things for me.  And... Our moms never ask for anything in return.  We are both so lucky to be blessed with the moms that we have.  And my mom loves Vernon. She's tearfull when he visits and it is time for him to leave.  I hope he feels as special here as I do there.

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms in my life.  You deserve to be celebrated.     

Tories, Labors and Liberal Dems; OH MY!

With all the hubub over the UK elections, I've been trying to pay attention with much interest. On our last phone call Vernon was explaining to me the similarities between 2 of their parties to our Republicans and Democrats.  He answered my questions no matter how stupid they were.  Politics confuse me a bit, mostly because it's all placing blame and empty promises.... so I avoid it at all costs.  I could listen to him all day.  It's probably a combination of his willingness and enjoyment of teaching me something from his world and his hot hot accent which I have mentioned before.  I love it when he explains things to me.  Today we were chatting and he was telling me all about the elections and the different parties and what everyone is promising and what changes need to be made and what people want, you know, pretty much the same thing here.  He never really types very much, (unless he's talking Linux to me) but today he was typing paragraphs and paragraphs to help me understand what's going on in the UK regarding the elections.  I appreciate that very much.  I love that about our chats and conversations, we can discuss politics or how our day went or what's for dinner and feel like we've had a great conversation.  He could easily blow me off, tell me he doesn't feel like talking about it, just say he doesn't know, or put me down for being annoying.  Never.

Missing You Like Crazy

I had a long day at work yesterday. It started with a list of tasks and projects and everything got put on hold to troubleshoot an issue that came up. I manage the company's CRM and it is very user friendly. Glitches are something that just don't happen with this product. I had users telling me the site had a glitch, but I'm 98% sure that it was user error. I had to fix the problem and it took me the rest of the afternoon. As I made my corrections, evidence consisting of what I would call an electronic 'paper trail' proves that this was all user error. HA! When it comes to this CRM I know my stuff!

Around lunch hour, up pops my honey. Ha ha, you could take that a number of ways... but I'm talking IM. ;) We chat a few times a week. His job keeps him very busy so he's unable to chat every day. Some days are much busier than others for me, as while I'm chatting I'm doing other things. I'm the multi-tasking queen. Some days I end up neglecting him but he's very understanding because he knows I'm at work. Sometimes I forget he's on, which is TERRIBLE of me, but I'll get pulled away from my desk or get caught up in a phone call. It's not like he's ever distracted by 'Dr. Who', 'Top Gear' or that evening's movie. {insert sarcasm here} . As always, he asked me how my day was going. He's always interested in what's going on at work. Here is how that part of our conversation went.

V: how is my sexy girl?
K: lets just say, that if i were coming home to you tonight, i would insist that we order take out and then watch a funny movie with you curled up on the sofa of course. My brain is fried today.

It would have been a perfect night to go home to him with carry out for dinner and we would put on our comfy clothes, eat in front of the TV then curl up on the sofa with a funny movie. That would be perfect therapy for me. Instead, I did go home after work, sat in the truck and had a good cry before making it into the house to make a wonderful taco dinner for my daughter and the evening turned out to be very nice. My girl has a way of doing that for me.

Today was Vernon's day off, what he calls his "Fifth Day". I set my alarm for 6am to give him a call. I always try to call him on his day off since it is only noon over there. Well, I called again and again and he was not home. I knew he had lots to do, like look for blinds for the kitchen door and he likes to visit his parents, and he also spends quality time with his daughter so I wasn't surprised when he didn't answer the phone. I was feeling uneasy and full of anxiety this morning and really needed to talk to him, but I knew he'd be online later because yesterday he said he would be.

I'm feeling panicked and full of anxiety today. I had trouble focusing at work and feeling the physical effects of my stress. My daughter's graduation is in less than a month. I have yet to get out the invitations, order her gift, and finances are very tight. I have good months and bad months, why does this month have to be a bad month? Next month is orientation. We still have so much to do and plan for. I want it to be perfect. She deserves a perfect graduation party. I'm telling Vernon about my feelings, my worries, and how this stress today is affecting me. I could tell he was very worried, sad, and really wanted to help me. I need him on days like this. I cried again today but had to pull myself together because I was at work and I didn't want anyone to see me crying. It's days like this that make me angry that we are so far apart, I miss him so much and I get so tired of struggling with everything by myself day in and day out. I feel alone but then he tells me he loves me and I feel so much better. I remember what I am feeling is temporary and mostly because of the frustration of planning this graduation party and fearing the empty nest, not to mention my daughter, who is my best friend, will be moving 10 hours away from me in the fall. I'm still having trouble focusing so I'm sorry if this seems a bit scattered.

I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful understanding man make me feel so loved and cared for.

Long Distance Hug

I got a "hug" today.

He loves me.
He supports me.
He is honest with me.
He doesn't sugar coat things just to make me feel better.
He treats me with respect and as an equal.
He is a good listener.
He offers advice, solutions and empathy.
He doesn't get short with me when I am crying.
He doesn't interrupt me when I'm rambling.
He accepts my feelings.

I really needed that "hug" today.

Language Barrier, Blogging and a List

Today we spoke on the phone. I was on the computer and Vern showed up on the IM so I told him I'd just call. We always have a good time on the phone. I love hearing his voice, that sexy southwestern British accent. Whew! Vern read my blog and liked it. I wasn't worried, he is supportive in anything that I do but since this involves him, I did ask if it was OK... and he approves.

I asked Vernon if he noticed that I used the word "dodgy" in my blog. He said "yes" and that he's very impressed. Funny. Why is it that his language is rubbing off on me? Yes, I do watch a lot of BBC and he sends me lots of DVD's but sometimes I don't get all the jokes. There was one joke that I heard over and over again, never understood it until lately, and I can't seem to remember it... Oh yes! In one episode of "Vicar of Dibley" the group is discussing the vandals of the town, and how they vandalized the sign at the "Tuck Shop". Well, it sounded like they said "tuck" but what the heck is a tuck? So I figured they said "Tack" as in horse stuff, but then I thought, "How do you turn 'tack' into a bad word?" So I just gave up on understanding the joke. Then one day Vern used the word "tuck" in a sentence. I asked him to repeat it, and then I was like, "There is that word! What does it mean?" And when Vern explained to me what a tuck shop was it all came together. I felt as if he answered the question of the universe... to which the answer is 42 but we can discuss that on another day. For you Americans who don't speak "English" a tuck shop is like a convenience store, a 7 Eleven, Kwik Trip, something of that sort. I just felt that "dodgy" was the only word I could think of. There are other words I use... I call my linen closet a cupboard. I keep linens, towels, and bathroom items in there, not cups... yet I call it a cupboard. Don't worry, my bedroom closets are still closets for now. Half the time I say "shop" instead of "store" and "film" instead of "movie". I asked him today why it's happening to me and not him... but he confessed... "I say 'sure' instead of 'of course'". I laughed!

As we were talking about our kids and the challenges we are facing right now with our 18 yr olds, he was checking out this Blogger site. He was quite intrigued (oh yeah, I say "quite" a lot more too) with this whole blog thing. He asked me how it works and I really didn't have many good answers for him because I'm new at this. I do want my blog noticed, but not by everyone that I know, just people that can relate to our situation and a few of my closest friends who I know wont think I'm being stupid by keeping a blog. I've always been a writer. I kept journals all my life, until the day I found pages missing from one of my books. It was my "now" ex-husband who went through my sock/underwear drawer for whatever reason and found it. Not sure what the hell he was looking for, but he couldn't read English so ripped out some pages and took it to someone to translate. What a dick. Well, that was the last entry I made. I tried keeping journals since, but it wasn't the same. Things are different now, technology has changed, and I need some sort of outlet since I don't get to talk to Vernon every day. I think he will feel closer to me with this blog, he will read things that we talked about, read about my memories of our times together and also read about things I wanted to tell him that day or that week and couldn't because one of us couldn't make it to the computer. He's all pumped about this blog of mine, and I am too even more now. He wants to start one, he's not sure on what topic, but he will have that to think about as he goes about his day at work tomorrow. I suggested he browse other blogs to get ideas if he needs to. I can't wait to see what he comes up with. Then we got to the topic of Google. I said to him "I Googled myself this morning" and his response was "That's a bit vain isn't it?" I couldn't stop laughing. Because of my job, I pop up. Then I guess he Googled himself while we were talking and he said, "I found my name, but it isn't me. That's OK though, I don't want to be all over the place." He's so cute.

He's got the day off on Tuesday and is all excited about it. Sounded like a kid who woke up to a snow day. He was naming things he wanted to do and then I suggested he write me a letter. "You mean on paper?" UGH! MEN! He's a computer guy but can't type worth crap. I love when he writes me letters. Then he said he was going to make a list of things he wanted to do on his day off. He names several things, then "take cardboard and bottles to recycling guys, write Kim a letter". I enjoy messing with him and got all upset, "I'm below 'take cardboard and bottles to recycling guys?!?!?!'" Of course, he said he wanted to clear everything off his list so he could dedicate all of his attention to me. Good answer. I rarely get one over on him... he's too smart for me. One of the reasons why I love that guy.